6 habits of highly erotic people

How faking really can be making it

If you read countless internet websites and popular advice for couples, you’ll start believing that there’s a whole wealth of information out there about how boredom and committed sex lives go hand in hand.

Apparently even some evolutionary biologists believe that sexual variety is just an adaptive mechanism, evolved simply to prevent incestous inbreeding. The evolutionary curse, or benefit, of this situation is that as soon as couples become familiar with each other, they may as well be siblings.

Of course, this may be simply avoiding the obvious conclusion: most people are boring. They’ve been educated in such a way to think that cultivating boredom, distraction and a mechanical idea of sexuality is the way to have fulfilling lives.

They’ve never been taught about eroticism. Being erotic is difficult. It was once a fundamental way of seeing the world, part of the fourfold vision of the ancient Greek world that initiated the chosen into the world of philosophical vision, when eroticism was education. In most daily lives in the Western world today, the most we know about eroticism comes from a $1.99 book at Aldi.

It doesn’t matter if you have a partner, you’re married, you’re single and searching for love, you’re single and actively avoiding commitment, or you’re just learning about what it all involves. We’re all the same in our capacity to benefit from eroticism.

So perhaps we need to ditch the ideology of love or the mechanics of sex and just work out how to be erotic.

When you hear about how fulfilled people are in their sex lives, it’s not that they’re necessarily getting more sex than you. It’s just that they enjoy it more. It’s become a way of seeing the world, and a way of being pleasured by the world.

Here for your curious attention are the 6 habits of highly erotic people. Enjoy responsibly.

1 An erotic person savors their life. This is habit number one: savoring your life. If you can’t find things in your life that make you happy, that you savor, as much as you do stuffing your face and watching game of thrones, you’re going to be hard pressed to be erotic.

Savoring life is about enjoying variety and precise detail in intense ways, enjoying moments with a vividness and attention that’s curious and all consuming.

If you can’t find the smallest things erotic, the pin on your dress, the coffee cup, the steering wheel, or a cloud in the sky, you’re missing the essential habit that is the erotic imagination. This is a way of seeing the world that brings everything around you into intimacy. You need to make time for this vision and allow it to consume you at any moment, in moments of bliss, excitement, frenzy and tension.

Creating spaces for fantasy and bliss is the essential habit of an erotic person.

Caressed by a cloud … Detail from Correggio’s Jupiter and Io, (Antonio Allegri). Photograph: Bridgeman

2 Confidence and self-belief. Without having confidence in yourself, being erotic can become difficult. Resentment, jealousy, and fear can all end eroticism in a moment’s breath and turn it into shame and even anger. To cultivate this confidence, believing in the power of our own imagination is important.

Remember that we can have a satisfying life, and savor the world, no matter who we’re with or where we are. This is a power that can be maintained anywhere, and we should be grateful for being able to enjoy an erotic vision.

Being grounded in the power of your fantasies or your vision is, paradoxically, how you can be grounded in eroticism.

Diego Velázquez, Rokeby Venus, c. 1647–51.

3 Talk until there’s nothing left to say, then gaze or touch. Erotic people tend to talk. They enjoy and savor words. But when it matters, they’re silent, and they hold a gaze or a touch. Enjoying moments and cultivating that enjoyment in others leads to eroticism.

If you show the curiosity of your mind to others, chances are you’ll end up being able to feel it with them. Nothing is more enticing than sharing enjoyment. This sharing can wash over others like a wave.

4 Cultivate curiosity about strangers and strange things. Showing curiosity about people, seeking them out and sharing enjoyment, creates intimacy. It’s this intimacy, the powerful capacity to share even the caressing of clouds, that brings together strangers and strange things.

Showing curiosity without fear or shame is essential to eroticism. It doesn’t mean there is shame in our behavior, but we don’t let it overpower us; we savor the shame.

Showing curiosity in the strange is one of the essential features of the erotic. It makes us happy and fulfilled because it gives our lives a sense of adventure and discovery.

Curiosity rarely kills cats, but it does reveal the world as it is, rather than as it ought to be. That’s another essential tension in eroticism.

Richard Cosway, “A Nun Surprising a Monk Kissing a Nun in a Church Interior”, circa 1785–1800

5 Challenge prejudices and discover commonalities. It’s important to understand the great leveling fact: we’re all perverts.

No matter where we come from, we’re all united by the commonality of having a capacity to enjoy perversity. A consensual form of perversity, but some form of perversity. Perversity is like a common resource, but to enjoy it you can only make people share it freely. It’s therefore the most beautiful, rare and uncommon property we all share in common.

Sociologists will tell you that women with high self-esteem are more likely to have rape fantasies. And straight men like googling and ogling (or go-ogling) large penises just as much as any gay man. The largest consumer of shemale porn is the straight male. The greatest number of sinners may be located in the Bible Belt of the United States.

If you don’t believe these facts, now is your chance to experiment and test the data. Perhaps you’ll discover that people are more erotic than you know.

The Death of Sardanapalus (La Mort de Sardanapale), oil painting on canvas by Eugène Delacroix, dated 1827.

6 Cultivate wanting. It may seem strange, but it’s more erotic if you don’t give someone what they want. Cultivate their wanting. Enjoy their wanting. Nothing is more erotic than enjoying the desires of others, and sharing that enjoyment.

Simple acts like reading can cultivate wanting. According to a scientific study by researcher Harold Leitenberg of The Journal of Sex Research, women who read romance or erotic novels have an astounding 74 percent more sex with their partners than those who don’t. It’s a no brainer that reading about erotic acts can cultivate wanting.

Even these books could cultivate wanting.

Don’t rule out pornography, either. It can cultivate wanting. But if you’re worried about consuming pornography for feminist reasons, you should at least accept the findings of many sociologists that there is an inverse correlation between the dissemination of pornography and rape: more porn, less rape.

Pornography is not automatically violent, and an erotic vision can be applied to it or, even, supersede it.


Anxious to get started? Perhaps you could begin by watching erotic psychologists talk about eroticism. Here’s Esther Perel, one of the psychologists who inspired these 6 habits or erotic people.

It turns out eroticism isn’t even about sexuality. It’s faking it until you fake it, which is making it.