Every day I am someone new

Doodles from earlier in the week, days before a panic attack.

I am highly sensitive and experience things very deeply.

This is why I will be visiting a psychiatrist for the first time. My inability to handle moderate amounts of stress has started to seep into the waking world I inhabit to survive. It’s one thing to have a mental breakdown at home, soothe the self, and go about one’s business. It’s another to have one’s business intruded upon by anxious misery.

Not to mention, nobody likes spending all their free time in anxious misery, either. The point I am trying to make is, it was interfering with work. When something interferes with my source of income, I have to take it seriously and deal with it.

My inner hipster screams, “Down with consumerist culture! You money-loving capitalist, no wonder you’re sick in the head!”

“You have a hereditary case of low seretonin levels.” says the small, quiet, rational voice in my head.

Quick, digital ‘self portrait’

Either way, it’s getting to be a bit much, and I’ve gotta do something about it.

I talk about the voices in my head, and what I am referring to are the individual internal monologues that chatter almost constantly. My thoughts consist of images and conversations with myself. It is a tactile world that can become an echo chamber very quickly. Part of the nature of this inner world is that it requires honestly to fully articulate.

Truth is scary to many people, I have learned. Despite being brought up on fantasies that touted truth and justice and freedom as central principals, it seems that not everyone else is as brave as I could hope for them to be. Particularly when it comes to me. I am not anything to be afraid of. I may become emotionally intense, but that hasn’t bothered anyone… at first.

I deeply dislike the narrative of the untrustworthy medical field. While I appreciate the healthy skepticism of the New Age community, I also fear that much of it is deeply misplaced out of fear and ignorance. Another fear of mine is that I am similarly ignorant, and therefor unequipped to articulate my own world view. That is something only I can change.

Let this post be a snapshot of my mental landscape for the day. This is the day before a significant day for me. After years of fighting it and making excuses, I’m visiting a professional to see about making things less gloomy in the attic. See if we can find a will to live while we’re cleaning up the place. Many would tell me I am giving in to the post-MK Ultra, Project Bluebird generation long-term game plan, drugging myself and numbing myself to the insanity of the world around me, in order to become a highly suggestible robot to be controlled at the hands to the elite… No. It’s not that simple, I’m sorry to say.

I have agency. I have curiosity. I am not afraid to change my paradigm if it means positive personal growth. I am tired of living in fear. I am tired of feeling hopeless, useless, miserable. I am done with feelings of inadequacy. I am willing to take a chance and see what life must be like with balance.

Who knows, maybe things will work out how we hoped.