Tired of being punished

~T J ~
~T J ~
Jul 20, 2017 · 7 min read

Yes I was born into a very dysfunctionally abusive life. It sucked, it was horrible, it was a daily struggle of survival. I made it through and became a teenage mother of 2. I was NOT them, but I made my shrew of mistakes and wrong choices. Was I a picture perfect mother? Hell no. Did I try, did I get into counseling and try to get taught a better way from all I knew, did I love my children unconditionally, did I stay involved in their lives, attend school events, know the staff, go on field trips, did I know their friends and have them here, have sleep overs, have I tried over the years to continue to better myself, have I tried to be there for them, help them in anyway I could, have I tried to apologize and accept responsibility for my role in any hurt I caused in their lives, offered to talk about it, go to counseling, do what I needed to to heal and move forward, go to AA to get help for a spiral of binge drinking, get back into counseling to heal even more???? YES, YES, YES to all of the above.

Now on the flip side. Did I make a ton of mistakes, did I hurt my children with choices I made thinking I was doing good, did I get involved with several relationships trying to “create” a family, did I parent out of guilt, did I over compensate in the being way to easy on them in fear of being my parents, did I disappoint them, did I go through a 5 year spiral of depression and binge drinking????? YES,YES,YES to all of the above.

Oh all the details to both sides. Each having their experiences, their reasons, but isn’t each individual story that has and still deal with these types of issues boil down to pain, accountability and healing. We have definitely all experienced the first. I have tried to do the last two. I understand it does not always happen over night for everyone, and I am learning sometimes it never happens. When those you hurt become adults , and start making choices in their lives, be it good or bad, they become accountable for those choices. I have started understanding this in the last few months. Just as I carry the burden for the choices I made, even being a teenager to start with and zero tools or support…I made those choices that effected 2 and eventually 3 lives. I can blame my past, my abuse, my inexperience all i want, that does not and never will change the choices I made and how they effected those I was responsible for. Blaming does nothing but leave me in the victim zone and robs me from truly healing.

I have come to a very clear realization in the last 2 days, after a few turbulent events and the ending of another summer In Florida with 2 of my grandchildren (mainly my grand daughter), who have become pawns in a very draining and painful game ( that really is the only word that comes to mind at this moment) between the other family (which are not blood related to both) and my daughter using me as a puppet. This web of lies and deception that I have no choice in being a part of if I want to see my grandchildren is draining. I realize that they (the other family)also deal with their past dark secrets, as does my daughter with hers and as I heal I become the threat and the crazy one. I would never tell this lie, it is not my place and I would hurt the one I long to protect, plus I have no choice or I stand to lose that relationship with the grandchildren.

I have tried every angle with their mother, my daughter, to heal this relationship that has been very destructive since she was around the age of 12,. I have offered to talk through things, go to counseling, answer any questions, listen to her , accept accountability. I have tried to be a daily part of her life, and reassure her how much she means to me, how much I care, how much I love her, I try to be there for her and all of my grand kids.

I did any and everything I could, even if it cost me money I did not have, time I could not spare, taking care of them by myself when it was way to much, traveling several times to cater to her demands, baby sitting, giving up my time and answering to others that I never should have had to. I did it all for the sake of trying to prove I loved her and to never chance losing my grandchildren in my life. I have been verbally abused by her for years, even in front of the children. Telling them things about me that are not true, making me seem crazy even making gestures to them when I call or facetime, that I can not see. Yet, anytime she needs a babysitter, or a solution solved, a high water bill she does not know what to do about, being lost on one of her trips with the kids, when she decides she is mad at the other family (only when it is something that effects her) her husband… I think you get the idea, who does she call not wanting to vent or advice, but EXPECTING me to fix it.

This summer I jumped through hoops, accepted that I was only allowed to have my grand daughter 2 nights a week and my grand son 1 night (if he wanted to come), rules changing on a daily basis, having to answer to not their father but to his mother who does more then I do in controlling the situation, yet I am the one that catches the shit, I have been yelled at, I have been accused of favoring, yet said ok all summer. With a smile on my face I said thank you, sure no problem, I accepted 2 and 1 night a week with enjoyable time instead of conflict…I honestly know there was nothing more I could have done, The reason at this point truly does not matter, but the explosion happened last night and I was attacked through a slew of text, verbally abused, named called and completely blamed for causing nothing but issues over the summer time and told EVERYONE ( which is always the default) is sick of me.I was told I was not allowed to see the grandkids the remainder of the week, which is the end of their summer before they go back. I was threatened that if I did not behave(which again changes from day to day) I was not to talk to my grand daughter alone ever again without my daughter being in front of her. There is much more to this nightmare, but this is the basics.

Once again it truly did not matter what I did, how I did it, it was somehow going to be wrong and I was going to be punished. After a night of crying and no sleep, of constantly struggling with feelings of abandoning them, of losing my relationship with them, going to God and His word, and seeing my counselor this morning a light finally came on.

Maybe what I have thought to be my purpose on this journey is not what I thought it was, that she may not be ready to try to heal her relationship with me now, and she may never be on this side of my journey, it may be more safe for her to blame me and punish me in any way she can for not only my past mistake but all the mistakes she has made and lives with now, that trying to make sure I do not spill the beans on her lies will come at a very big cost if I do not follow her rules that seem to become impossible with time and my “dream” of everything healing and us growing together and having the connection with her I long for may simply never happen. The one thing I know for sure is I can no longer participate in the punishments she gives me . The cost is becoming too high and way too painful. I become that little girl my mother is standing over and I choose to not be a part of that. I can not continue to be punished for things I want to heal, things that are in the past, things that not only I was guilty in participating in and no longer do, things that make her unhappy and me the person she explodes on, things that are her experience that she refuses to talk with me about, having my grandchildren be pawns in my life… I just can not do it another day.

I can pray for her, I can love her and stay at a safe distance, I can always be there for my grandchildren and love them unconditionally and do all I can to be in their lives, I can stay out of the other family dynamic, I can be there for her when and if she wants to try to heal us and I can continue to heal myself. I can continue to grow and develop a life based on healthy people (not perfect, just healthy) I can learn about healthy love and I can depend on God to hold my hand, to show me His purpose for me on my journey and continue to love myself, my life and and find the peace that only, with Gods help, I can create within myself.

)

~T J ~

~T J ~

50 something survivor of an abusive/dysfunctional childhood, adulthood, relationships, teen mom, alcoholic over comer learning about myself and this journey

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