I have been stuck in a holding pattern for quite some time which is horribly frustrating. I’ve been waiting for insurance approval on my bariatric surgery (as well as other things). I called the insurance company last week and was told it would be another week. Aargh. I called the doctor this morning and left a voicemail with no return call yet. I called the insurance company after waiting a while and had to wait on hold as the seventh caller. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. God I hate waiting.

A nice sounding man named Roland took my call and gave me the news that my SURGERY HAS BEEN APPROVED!!!! IT HAS BEEN APPROVED!!!!

I’m sobbing. My mom thought I was scared of the surgery and doesn’t understand happy tears. I am so happy, and so grateful, and so hopeful, and so THANKFUL.

Life is very hard and scary. I don’t share a lot of it with others because I respect the privacy of people I love and I don’t need to air our collective dirty laundry in public. It is a person’s choice to share their struggles, and I can share mine but I can’t share the struggles of others without their approval. I struggle with depression and anxiety and I have grown accustomed to everything being hard. That’s the way life has been for me, that’s what I’m used to, that’s what I prepare for mentally. That’s how I have gotten us through cancer and Rick’s accident and deaths and everything else. That which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. It’s tattooed on my chest.

I assumed the insurance company would deny my surgery. Even though I meet the criteria, I thought that my good blood pressure, my good cholesterol, and good blood sugar would make them say no. I have chronic pain from the waist down, I have sleep apnea, I’ve had cancer (which can be related to obesity), I *meet the criteria*. Things are always hard so I assumed they would find a reason to say no because I’m so used to things being hard. I have been playing out in my head what to do when I’m declined. I could eat a bunch of crap to get my blood sugar and cholesterol up, but that’s not what I want to do. I could continue doing what I’m doing and lose weight ever so slowly on my own, but statistically (and historically for me) that doesn’t last. Maybe the doctor would have a good idea, maybe we could pursue this arthritis I have to show that it is debilitating. There is always a way. I’m used to solving problems and I know a thousand ways to climb a mountain. I’m not one to sit down and give up. I will fight.

I don’t have to. They’re letting me do it. God is letting me do this without making me fight for it. You don’t see me at church on Sunday, but I love God more than you will ever know. He’s giving me this huge gift and I am so grateful.

My mom just came to check on me and is looking forward to sharing clothes (she is approximately the size I will be if I meet my goal weight). That’s the closest thing to a supportive statement I’ve had from her so far. The humor in it is not lost though.

This is sharing more than I am comfortable sharing. I would have rather just posted that my surgery has been approved — Yay! I’m forcing myself to reveal vulnerability because that is what this little blog is about. I’m standing here in my underwear letting everyone see the real me so that if you aren’t comfortable with parts of the real you, you know you’re not alone. We don’t pack on a hundred extra pounds just because we like ice cream. We are insulating ourselves from something.

My surgery has been approved! Yay!