Stop giving a fuck and be fucking honest
I’m quite happy with my current life. I’ve got a great job at an amazing company, an intelligent and beautiful partner in life and we’re expecting a baby boy. We still have gaps to cover, like settling in our own house in the future, but we’re overall satisfied and undoubtedly happy.
It wasn’t always like that. In my 33 years of life I’ve lived different lives and in those lives I’ve been different men. I’ve worked hard to reinvent myself after every iteration. I look back and I see a different me two years ago, and another one three years ago… I’ve been growing as a person, but it has been the last few years when I really made a leap and really improved myself on different levels.
These are just some thoughts on what I think helped me and might help you too.
The lack of confidence will kill your dreams
As harsh as it sounds, your dreams are dreams because you haven’t been able to make them a reality: Asking that person out, changing jobs for the one you really like, going on sabbatical to travel South America or jumping from a fucking plane. Does any of that resonate?
There are going to be many obstacles in your way to your dreams. Financial obstacles are quite common, but there’s one single problem we all face too often: Lack of confidence. This is what probably stopped you from pursuing many of your dreams.
It stops you telling that person what you think of them. It stops you looking for a career change when unhappy. It stops you going to the gym, putting on those clothes or even showing up at some events. We all know how it feels, we all have been there at some point.
If I only was more confident, I would’ve…
Actually, confidence is not the main problem
Well, let me tell you one thing. You’re wrong. We’ve been wrong all along. Your problem is not with confidence, your problem is with giving a fuck about what other people think.
Do you need any proof of that? Just look at yourself: Do you behave equally online in social media than in person? What about online with your real name vs a nickname no one can trace back to you? Of course you don’t, but you’re still the same insecure human, right? So, what has changed? What’s different? The consequences look different, but they would actually be the same regardless of your level of anonymity.
So you’re afraid of the consequences
Well, welcome to the biggest club on this planet.
Here’s the next revelation: Most people don’t give a flying fuck about you. So, clearly, most of the times it doesn’t matter what do you do or say. Especially if you’re not perceived as someone with power or some sort of local influencer / guru. Fuck consequences, because there are none.
Actually that’s not entirely true, but unless you’re some sort of politician or your job is actually dependant on what the general public thinks about you, it applies.
Wait, what?
Listen, I used to care a lot about what would happen if e.g. I said no to my boss. Then I used to get angry because other people would make career progress with perceived less hard work than I did, or so I thought! I became frustrated and rather sooner than later frustration led to anger and burnout, so eventually I decided to sit back and learn.
How did others progress? These were some of my learnings:
- Choose your battles wisely.
- Make sure you’re around when it’s time to shine.
- Say no when there’s nothing to win and too much to lose.
- And more importantly, stop giving a fuck.
As long as you have a manager, you have to be easy to manage. What many of us get wrong is that we think easy means saying yes to everything and that’s actually a huge mistake.
Being easy to manage means being brutally honest with your manager. If she’s asking you something, that means she needs that information to help you further. Make it fucking easy and don’t lie to please her or her boss. Be polite, there’s no need to fucking swear :) but tell the truth.
Honesty as a Service
If you’re honest, you will build trust with your manager and actually establish a healthy working relationship. She will be able to help you further and you will be able to help the company further, meaning your value will increase.
Managers prefer you to say no to a request and find someone who is available than saying yes if you’re really not. Instead of solving a problem, your lie is just postponing your managers problem, so they’ll have to face it again when they’re out of time. Not funny, isn’t it?
Team work
I’m a very empathic person, so I easily get anxious when a customer is in trouble. I do technical support, so my stress levels can go easily through the roof every day; if it wasn’t because I’ve learned to stop giving so many fucks about every single thing. I’ve learned to stop thinking I have to fix everything.
I know my trade and I’m good at it. I help my customers with all my skills and experience, but there could be situations out of my reach. Time difference, the need for different skills or actually if I’m busy helping other customers are obstacles that I fought in the past. Those were my dragons and they made me anxious, frustrated and angry; now I just work around them and move on. Am I busy? Sorry can’t help you, reach out to the team. Not in my skill-set? Can’t help, but here’s someone who can. Do you work while I sleep? Nope, can’t help you buddy; but my mates on your time zone will lend you a helping hand.
Of course some things can only be done if you’re part of a team, but if you’re not you might want to think if you really need to take on that much work by yourself. If the answer is no, then don’t take it. If the answer is yes, then think again because something else must be wrong.
Team work means I can go home and don’t give a fuck about work, because someone else is taking care of it.
That is so liberating that I completely became a different man. I stopped giving a fuck and there were no bad consequences, but actually the opposite. My customers were happier, I started delivering better quality and my value inside the company increased. I did so good that I was promoted and my salary was a 50% bigger after a year. I also changed jobs afterwards, as part of my global domination plan… I mean, career development plan.
If you were to stop giving a fuck, you could sit back, think about the problems and actually solve them. You would become a better asset for your company and customers and, more important, a more balanced person. You would also learn to enjoy your free time with your friends and family.
You will never be a 100% confident person, but you won’t worry more than needed.
