Let’s Talk About Depression
How to help them open up
“We need to talk.”
We’ve all been there. You’re sitting on the couch, minding your own business, enjoying an innocent evening with your family. Or maybe you’re hanging out with a friend, and they suddenly get serious. The panic following that statement is a force to be reckoned with, and you’re left wondering what the heck you did wrong. Then, another bomb drops.
“Are you okay?”
How do you answer that? “Oh yeah, my world is collapsing but I’m great.” They’re waiting for an answer that you don’t know how to give.
Now imagine you’re on the other side of that wall. You’re a concerned parent/friend, and you think your child/friend is depressed. You want to help, but you have no idea how to broach the topic.
Well, guess what? I’m a depressed person. Let’s talk.
My family has always been super supportive of me. I have a long family history of mental and physical illness, so when I began to develop symptoms of depression, they were quick to pick up on it. However, this is not the case with everyone. My family is closer than most, so I found it a bit easier to open up to them. I am still a reserved person, though, so I get it when people say they don’t feel comfortable talking about their depression.
But what about the parents? The friends? The concerned strangers who found you sulking on the roof? If you don’t talk, how will they know to listen?
That’s a box we can unpack later. Right now, let’s talk about how you can approach your child/sibling/friend about mental health.
Push — Gently
(For continuity and my tired fingers’ sakes, I’ll refer to your depressed person as your friend. Even if they’re your child or sibling, they should be your friend foremost, so I guess it fits.)
Let’s say your friend has just come home from a long day at school. You’re busy, but even you can tell they’re tired. They sit down at the dinner table with a sigh.
“How was your day?”
“Fine.”
How do you react to this? They did answer your question. But did that help you understand them at the moment?
I’ve been on both sides of this situation. The kid likely is upset, but they don’t want to get emotional at the dinner table, maybe in front of the rest of the family, so they resort to generic responses, e.g. “fine” “good” “okay” “alright I guess.”
My advice? Don’t settle for those bland descriptors. Ask more specific questions. Have they been struggling in a certain subject? Friend problems? S/O problems? Or was it just a plain old bad day? Push them, but be gentle. If they don’t want to talk about it, the more you try to pry them open, the tighter they’ll shut. However, in my experience, in a situation like that, they’re probably about three questions away from crying. They stick to generic responses and fake smiles to distract themselves. Keep asking.
Watch your body language. What are you saying with how you stand? Are you busy washing the dishes or reading the newspaper? You could come off as too busy to pay attention to them. Are you leaning on the counter with one hand on your hip? That’s intimidating as heck. Keep eye contact, but don’t stare them down. Tilt your head down slightly, so you’re looking at an angle, and arch your eyebrows slightly. Sit across from them, maybe touch their hand gently. Stay natural, though. Don’t do something that feels fake to you, because they’ll pick up on that and think you’re acting.
Sometimes, silence is the best. Sit with them. Make it clear (non-verbally) that you’re there, you’re listening, and you want to know more. But whatever you do, don’t try to force them into sharing. This does not help.
Listen
This might seem like generic advice, something you see on every book and article about depression. But I’ll say it again, listen to your friend, and listen as a friend.
“But PJ, I do listen to them!”
Do they know that?
Do you make it clear that you are listening, and care about what they’re saying? Do you take the time to exclusively listen to them? What are your responses saying about your attention span? Are you actually showing interest in them, or are your replies generic?
Personally, if I’m trying to confide in someone and I think they’re not paying attention to me, even if they are, it can hurt my feelings and affect how much I trust them. It gives the impression that they don’t care about my emotions enough to listen to what I’m saying. So why bother saying it at all?
Are you listening as a friend? Most would say yes immediately. What other way is there? Well, my friend, you’ll find there are many ways to listen.
There are the obvious ways. You can listen as an enemy, only paying attention so you can twist the words, take offense, or otherwise use their words against them. You can listen as a passive bystander, which is really only half-listening. But listening as a friend means more. It means you’re not taking harsh words at their face value. You dig deeper to try and understand the intent behind the words. Listening as a friend means paying attention and showing you care.
This is by no means a complete guide for helping your depressed loved one. Nor is it infallible. Every person is unique, and because of that, their depression will show itself in different ways and will need to be treated in different ways. The tips I’ve given here are what’s worked for me. But if you really want to help your loved one, the best thing you can do is listen and be there for them. Only they will know what will help treat their depression. Just knowing that you will support them in any way you can, that says something beyond words.
