Missing Livejournal

Today was a hell of a brain day. You really did it this time, brain, I don’t even remember really what happened, just that you picked away at me all day in one of those long drawn out what I would define as an anxiety attack. You asshole. Mainly again about how no one knows me at work and I am not doing a good enough job at being social. Well, guess what, that’s stupid and abusive. What was that meme I saw the other day? … I don’t even remember my brain is numb from all the pain. I decided to put a big angry sad face on my calendar today, this is for when it feels like an emergency. Like that time I sat on the bus and really decided that I needed anti-anxiety medication or else I would die right there. Or the times I would come home and my brain would be in so much physical pain that I would collapse on the bed and wait to die. Today felt like that and it is so scary. Yesterday though I came home and I had these big lilies and I pretended that I gave them to myself, the way that an attentive boyfriend would. I had bailed on a party I felt extremely guilty and uncool for not going to and my inner boyfriend gave me these beautiful large extravagant lilies as if to say, fuck them I love you, come home with me and I will pamper you. I am doing the same thing tonight, I lit a candle and am drinking a delicious sour beer, and I am talking to myself about how stupid the day was and shit-talking that asshole of a thing that my brain was being today. It’s really helping actually. I remember the meme! It was something like, oh good job idiot pointing out to a quiet person that they are quiet, that’s really gonna make them feel more comfortable. Something like that but it’s the story of my life.

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