Redefining Myself Part One: The Spirit

A short series of self reflecting short narratives about the changes in me in the traditionally used three aspects of being.

I often reminisce about the time when I considered myself a devout Christian. It was my own personal twist on what is supposed to be a person’s “wild years” spending ages 17–22 practicing moderation and perpetually preparing myself for the chance to meet my creator at the pearly gates one day when it was all over. And even though I no longer hold the beliefs from then, I do not regret my decision. Mostly because it was my first attempt at true and honest change within myself, and I still benefit from some of fruits still.

The only problem was that my faith was also hurting me just as much.

In the beginning, it was easy to believe, since I had been raised Apostolic from birth. My closest friend is from the same church, and nearly half of my family, including my mom, belong to the faith as well. Over and above that, Christianity in general is the primary religion in the U.S., making it hard for many to imagine a world much different.

However, as time began to pass and my mind began to expand, questions began to arise that I could not find answers for. In addition to the speculation many other agnostic/atheist people before me have had about the existence of “evil”, my growing awareness of the number of atrocities committed in the name of religion, and the xenophobic attitudes of many believers I knew, I also had a personal reason to renounce my status as a soldier in the Lord’s army.

Mainly, the benefits of belief seemed to elude me. Praying made me feel good for a small while, but ultimately compounded my worries right after. Going to church multiple times a week only served to make me paranoid of an untimely death that no one could tell me was coming or not. After about a year, I never felt at home or relaxed when walking through the doors. Especially since my stances on LGBTQIA rights and women’s rights had radically changed after going to college and educating myself about them. Asking for guidance from my elders got me long winded speeches about evil spirits, sin, or gratitude that I had already heard and internalized.

What I needed was realistic approaches to what I now recognize is depression and anxiety, and not much more than the simple act of being available to speak freely about how I felt without being dismissed offhandedly with the same traditional phrases many other black people afflicted by depression hear. I needed to be acknowledges as both an individual with my own needs and as part of the greater whole “body of Christ” that was working toward saving as many souls as we could before our time was up. I craved a more nuanced understanding of how Christianity was both part of and separate from other religions and the secular world, as I could no longer wholeheartedly declare what I believed without also feeling like a bigot. I was desperate to find a true purpose, as the simple mantras about doing everything for the possibility of living in paradise had started to sound like cookie cutter political promises to keep people rooted in their mundane lives with no desire for advancement or growth.

I learned that there was no virtue in being cruel to myself for the sake of others.

I once thought about simply changing my religion or denomination, rather than abandoning it as I have,but it seemed (and still seems) like putting a bandage over a broken bone. Things like prayer and worship have lost their luster in my eyes, and I do not want to sully the meaningfulness of these rituals by doing them halfheartedly.

At the center of it all, I think the primary reason or reasons for my change to agnosticism have to do with a few of the core tenants in many religions. Mainly, the dismissal of self and the idea of sacrifice as a proof of love.

These two beliefs were fuel to a self destructive fire that I was happy to let consume me at the time. I regularly destroyed my own self esteem, because what was I “without God”? Many sermons I heard often emphasized the point that God could, at any moment, simply allow you to die or face adversity beyond your wildest dreams. What was life worth when it was full of suffering and death was supposedly a peaceful paradise?

I simply believe that I, as my own unique person with my own talents and personality, have value to the world. I also believe that I do not have to sacrifice anything of true worth to prove my love for anyone or anything. Moreover than that, I used these two beliefs to fuel my journey towards self-love. I learned that there was no virtue in being cruel to myself for the sake of others, and that no amount of accomplishments or accolades matter if you can’t allow yourself to enjoy them.

Through all of this, I realize that I still have many questions about the nature of the spirit and the meanings of existence that may never get answered. But by acknowledging that I don’t know, and not giving myself severe cognitive dissonance by pretending that anyone does, my spirit is finally at peace.