Hostess with the Mostess

by Kylie Foreman

25 things you must do when hosting a dinner party

1. Hire a party planner, why do it yourself when you have the money to get someone to do it for you?
2. ….Oh…so you can’t afford a party planner or a chef? Plan a basic menu…basic, you are not an Iron Chef.
3. I repeat , you are not an Iron Chef
4. Get groceries, simple yes? WRONG! Find parking at a ridiculously busy mall , rush through grabbing everything you vaguely remember is on the list you left on the kitchen table, stand in line behind the old lady counting out quarters to the greasy cashier scowling at everyone and everything. Race to your car and rush back to work. Note to self — don’t get groceries on your lunch break ever again.
5. Prep time — No not you, the food !
6. Chop, mix , stir and cook anything and everything you can before guests get to your door. Why on Earth did you not give yourself extra time for this?
7. The doorbell rings and your guests have started arriving. No…you can’t ignore it and pretend you’re not home. In your calmest voice call out öne moment please!
8. Race to the backyard and pick any type of plant that looks decorative and put it in a vase….no vase (seriously who doesn’t have a vase?, add it to the shopping list) pop the flowers, plants and sticks in a glass bottle or jar lying around so at least it looks like you made an effort and answer the door!
9. Greet your guests, seat them in the living area and tell them you will be right back. Smile as you do so…fake it until you make it. Shit….you didn’t get changed! You are covered in flour and your hair is a mess (is there a twig in it?)
10. Pour a lot of wine in each glass and hand them to your guests, they’re going to need to be liquored up to eat your food at this rate. Leave the canapes in the living area and let them talk amongst themselves. Wait…no canapes. Really? Ok a bag of chips and some peanuts from the pantry will have to suffice.
11. Go and get changed. This is not the time to relax, you have food to finish cooking.
12. Now that you’re not a total disaster go and check on your pots, pans and the oven. Put the salad together and put in on the dining table. If anyone offers to help say “No Thank you” and rush away (You don’t want them seeing your first burnt attempt at their meal)
13. Your jar of sticks isn’t the masterpiece you hoped for, light some tea candles, but go easy. You know your friend Janice is a hand talker and she will probably wave her hand right into those babies if they’re too close to her.
14. Put the rest of the meal on the table and usher everyone in. There’s no going back now, even if it is all absolutely terrible, own that shit!
15. Take compliments (if any) graciously. Don’t tell them how much of a hassle it was, tell them it’s been fun. Smile and maybe stare a little longer at Dave…we all know he only came to see if you’re the girlfriend material he’s looking for.
16. Take everyone’s empty plates. Try not to cringe at the raw meat you see left on plates.
17. Wine…you need more wine for the guests. If you only have hard liquor left mix it with some kind of juice, some fruit pieces in it and call it a dessert cocktail. So très chic of you!
18. Plate up your dessert. Ok so the chocolate cake is a little crispy on the edges, pour some melted chocolate over it or whipped cream and no one will ever know. Well they may suspect , but they can’t see it so it didn’t happen.
19. You’ve actually enjoyed your semi burned chocolate cake, liquor must be helping. While you do want your friends to have a good time , you don’t want them to drive home wasted, props for not being a complete psycho. Make them some coffee and make sure some cold tap water is available.
20. Thank everyone for coming as they go to leave, do a quick scan to make sure Janice hasn’t “accidentally” kept a souvenir, do not let anyone help you clean up…unless Dave wants to stay behind, then he can get behind….wait no he left…sad.
21. You probably should clean up at this point but I know you won’t.
22. Get the leftover burnt chocolate cake, the “dessert cocktail” and whatever else you feel like stuffing your face with since you were being polite at dinner and head to the couch. Flick on your favorite rom-com and enjoy.
23. Wait, there’s a coat on your sofa…Dave’s coat! Immediately text him and let him know you will bring it with you next time you see him. Yey for a reason to see him sooner rather than later!
24. Look back and realize you totally pulled off a dinner party all by yourself and even if the food wasn’t amazing the company and the conversation were fantastic *insert content sigh*
25. Doorbell rings — You peak out and it’s Dave! With a bottle of wine and a cheeky smile. You wipe the chocolate off your face and let him in. Job well done ! (You didn’t think after all that effort you wouldn’t get a reward did you?)