Sean Spicer’s 10 Foolproof Methods for Beating Stress

The look on his face says it all.

It’s no secret that stress has most of us in a headlock. However, no one suffers worse than the White House Press Secretary. All the spinning and dancing around the facts make Shaun Spicer feel like his head might explode.

We got ahold of the ten foolproof ways Spicey beats stress and manages to get his fanny to work every day.
 
1. It all starts with a tight trim at Super Cuts (hint: they’ll take your expired $3 off coupon). The balloon around his wrist after the 45-second blow-dry really takes the edge off.

2. Keeping a fire extinguisher under the podium in the briefing room, just in case his pants actually do catch on fire.

3. Dressing up like Melissa McCarthy on Sunday mornings and giving an impassioned performance of scenes from Mike and Molly for his cats Richard and Nixon, and President Trump when he’s not playing golf.

4. Humming the Ted Nugent hit, Wango Tango as he make my way to each press briefing. Honestly, it’s the only song he knows all the words to, other than Michael, Row Your Boat Ashore.

5. Reminding himself things could always be worse; he could be democratic castaway, Debbie Wasserman-Schultz. Rumor on the hill is that she’s the assistant to the Assistant Manager at a Wetzel’s Pretzels in Tulsa.

6. Hiding in the bathroom of Air Force One, chanting over and over with his eyes closed, “My nose will not grow. My nose will not grow. My nose will not grow …”

7. Slapping a note on Steven Miller’s (President Trump’s junior advisor), back — while pretending to be folksy that says, “I’m with her.”

8. Ding-dong ditching Mike Pence. The highlight for him is watching Mr. Pence running onto the lawn spewing f-bombs in his tighty-whities and cowboy boots.

9. Eating a half-gallon of Rum Raisin at midnight while wearing a Hilary Clinton mask.

10. Saturday morning Acro-yoga class with Steve Bannon, even though he’s sick of always being the bottom.

image courtesy of Gage Skidmore

Craig Playstead is a published writer of humor and life who’s been read by millions and hunkers down in a suburb of a suburb of Seattle. You can find more of his work (and a few laughs) over at his hideout, Don’t Let the Glasses Fool You.