Locker Rooms Across The Nation: “We Want Nothing to Do With Trump”

Fitness facilities disavow Trump after chilling comments

In the wake of Trump’s claims that his disturbing remarks are mere “locker room banter”, locker rooms nationwide are distancing themselves from the controversial candidate.

“As far as I’m concerned, he’s endorsing sexual assault. I have no interest in associating with him,” said a Gold’s Gym men’s locker room in Columbus. “‘Grab women by the p — ?’ No one talks like that around here. No one.

A UFC Gym men’s locker room in Las Vegas agreed with this sentiment, noting that its gym members generally swap tips on the best protein shakes and supplements or banter about sports and beer. “They definitely don’t talk about assaulting women. My ears are literally the walls, so I’d know if they did.”

When asked what they would do if the candidate were to show up in person, the locker rooms’ reactions were vehement. “I’d shut my doors immediately,” said a 24 Hour Fitness men’s locker room in Dallas. “There’s no f — ing way I’d let him anywhere near my gym or my lockers. He’s not welcome here,” echoed an Equinox fitness women’s locker room in Los Angeles.

Sadly, Trump’s refusal to genuinely apologize means there’s no end in sight for locker rooms throughout the United States. Deeply concerned that his actions send the wrong message about sexual assault and typical locker room discussions, they’re now taking matters into their own hands. Since the video leak on October 7, all 58,000 men’s and women’s locker rooms in the U.S. have signed a petition asking Trump to renounce his candidacy.

Just this morning, the Men’s Locker Room Association of America doubled down even more, issuing a press release further explaining their position: “We have no choice but to completely denounce these reprehensible comments. Sexual assault is a horrifying reality for far too many women in this country. As locker rooms, we’re experts on what goes on behind our own doors, and we can guarantee you that “jokes” like this do not occur. We want nothing to do with Trump. He’s an embarrassment to locker rooms everywhere, and America’s locker rooms deserve better.” ◼


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Kimberly is a writer and photographer. When she isn’t satirizing politics, you’ll probably find her traveling or eating.

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