“Everything you need you have right now.”

The mantra that extinguishes the validity of any excuse. The mantra that self-reliance and self-bootstrapping is built upon.

The mantra that makes me alone.

I’ve spent my entire life striving to be focally dependent on no one. To need is weakness. To need others is a dependency that enables excuse. To need people is to be dependent on people.

And who happily signs the dotted line to be judged?

Society is interdependent and interdependence is judgement. A judgement that does not necessarily come externally — we are our own worst critics.

Every person wants to belong. I want to belong. I want to be welcome. I want to be accepted. I want to be appreciated. I want to be loved.

The trouble is I want these things. Not the person I should become. Not the person more deserving. Not the person manufactured.

Just me.

And that is terrifying.

Because I am weird. I am flawed. I am hyper-emotional. I am boring. I think too much. I have no idea where to take you on a date that would impress you. I assume I need to impress you. I am sad that I need to impress you. I talk to plush toys. I sing my heart out — I am a terrible singer. Everything that has passed is so beautifully sad to me. So beautifully sad.

Self-reliance is a tricky thing. When I was young it made me a rock. To not depend on people strengthened me — I was not weak like seemingly everyone else.

But it is not that I do not need people. It is not that I do not value people.

If everyone is born lost and living is finding your self, then I can see that some people are a blank slate and finding their self is creating their self.

And some people find their self by realizing their self.


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