What I Learned From Being Separated From My Wife…

You don’t ever expect the day will come when you contemplate divorce as a real option.

It just happens.

You’re left there thinking about your past, your present, your future, and wondering why things can’t just go the way you want them. You contemplate why your spouse is not the person you “fell in love” with anymore. You think about all the things they have done that just really ticked you off. The prominent thought sounds something like: “It would be nice to be single again, right?”

Then you realize that divorce is not really on God’s list of great things to do. You made a commitment. You were not lying. You meant every word you said that day. Right now, however, your mind is trying to convince you that those words were empty and hollow. Your eyes focus on what is happening right now and divorce just seems like the best way out.

You leave.

Then, after some time, life starts to show you things.

God starts to show you things.

I found myself in this exact place some time ago. Divorce just felt like the best way out and for some time I wrestled with God about it. I was frustrated with the way things were going in my life and in my marriage. I just could not see this working out. So I decided I would stay with my best friend for an amount of time and get myself comfortable with being on my own again. He took me in no questions asked and I am grateful for that because my heart needed the space to heal and restore, and he gave me that.

I am a firm believer that God works all things for our good, but this has been one of the most trying times in my life. The beautiful part of it all is that I learned some lessons that will change my life and hopefully yours too! If you ever find yourself in this place, here are some things to think about:

TIME AWAY FROM ONE ANOTHER CAN BE A GOOD THING

The majority of people will disagree with this, but hear me out before you draw your conclusion. When you are married, life is no longer about you, it’s about us. That’s the way it’s supposed to be. There is no issue with that. The issue is when you lose yourself in your spouse.

In the sacredness of marriage, we become one flesh with our spouse. As poetic as that sounds, this can be a challenge for some people.

It was for me.

If your spouse has communicated to you that they feel suffocated or smothered, do yourself a favor and give them some time away. It’s for your sake just as much as it is for their sanity! Realize that there is nothing wrong with having some time to do your own thing. Marriage is not about doing everything together or spending every waking moment at each other’s side. Your marriage is not unhealthy if your husband wants to take a Sunday and watch the games over at his friend’s house or if your wife takes her Saturday night and spends it with the girls. Of course you want to communicate with one another about this, but be okay with giving one another some space.

Your future self will thank you for it.

GIVE YOURSELF TIME TO MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION

Don’t make a permanent decision with temporary feelings. I know you’re hurt, you’re angry, you’re bitter, you’re disappointed, but all those things are feelings that will pass over time.

Why is divorce the first thing that comes to mind?

Because we want the easy way out.

You can’t help that though. We are literally programmed by today’s culture and society that this is the best thing to do when you are not happy. The world has taught us that the context of marriage is about doing whatever you can to make sure your spouse is pleased. That could not be the furthest thing from the truth.

By allowing yourself the time to feel those emotions, you are also giving yourself the mental real estate to make a clear decision. Now, I know there are some situations that are just beyond repairing and divorce may be the only real option. I don’t want to highlight those scenarios. I want to zone in on the fact that you need time so give yourself time. Give yourself the room to sit and marinate on your decision. I guarantee that with time, you’ll see your decision change from what it was in the beginning.

YOU BOTH HAVE TO PURSUE GOD

At the rate people are divorcing, I am convinced that God is the only thing that will keep marriages alive in this generation. Now, I am not talking about a simple confession of your faith and claiming that God is the center of your relationship when you know it’s only true on Sunday’s.

I want to speak to the people that have an authentic zeal to pursue God with all that they are.

While apart you both have to pursue God. If it’s Jesus, Buddha, Allah, pursue your God with desperation.

Why?

Ultimately, God will be the person that will change your heart. As helpful as these blogs can be, this is not what is going to change the health of your marriage or the health of your soul, only God can do that. The reason why your marriage has gotten to this place is because you and your spouse are broken people. Broken plastic houses to selfish desires. God needs to chip away at your ego, your pride, and your heart. You need to look deep within and find that place that will let you love again, forgive again, and hope again!

TEMPTATION IS A REAL THING

If you are going to take some time away from your spouse, go into that decision with the right expectations. Temptation is out there and it’s waiting for you. This is the primary reason why this time apart should only be temporary and it should be mutual. Your new found independence will play tricks on you. It will make you think that it is okay to have a little flirty conversation here and there, but if you are serious about fighting for your marriage, then there can’t be any room for this.

You have to try your hardest to stay focused and on track.

Temptation is a real thing, but it isn’t the end. Remember that the sin is not within the temptation but it’s the follow through that will destroy your life and your marriage. Your spouse will agree that they face temptation on a daily basis, but the beauty of your commitment to one another would have no substance without temptation. For example, picture yourself as being stranded on a deserted island. It’s only you and your spouse. There are no other people on this island and no other connections to the rest of the world. How would your spouse feel the potency of your commitment if there were no other options? In order for them to feel loved they need to be preferred.

Though temptation is often viewed in a negative light, it solidifies your humanity and your ultimate reliance on the grace of God to keep you afloat. At the same time, do whatever is within your ability to control to stay away from tempting situations or relationships during your time apart.

GIVE YOURSELF SPACE TO FEEL BROKEN

Often times we can allow ourselves to feed into our negativity and miss the original feeling that brought us to this place.

What do I mean?

Think about that time your spouse said something that hurt you. Then think about how your reacted. Most of us, when offended, our original emotion is hurt or disappointment. What would our conversations with our spouse look like if we stood true to the original emotion? What if we were vulnerable with our spouse and let them know that they hurt your feelings?

The truth is that we don’t do this. We feel hurt, we feel pain, or rejection, and we allow those emotions to play around in our mind until they become anger, rage, or bitterness. If we could catch our thoughts, point them in the direction of truth, and communicate without reservations, we would find room in our lives to be restored.

You’re human. Don’t forget that.

Give yourself time to feel the pain, to feel the hurt, and frustration. If you give yourself room to be broken then God can step in and put the pieces back together himself. Suffering is a normal part of our lives and no matter what we do, we cannot avoid those moments of deep sorrow or doubt. But that’s okay.

Your doubt does not surprise God.

However, he does promise that in whatever situation we find ourselves, no matter how broken, he himself will restore us, encourage us, and bring dead things to life. This includes your marriage! Do you believe that God can do a great work in your life?