My Date with Sandra Didn’t Go Very Well

Peter Moran
Sep 7, 2018 · 6 min read

My date with Sandra didn’t go very well. She made a joke about me being a kidnapper when I picked her up and it was pretty funny but I thought about how easily I could’ve been a kidnapper and how crazy it theoretically is to go on dates with people whose face you liked more than someone else’s face based on the picture of themselves they liked best and how I was doing that at the same age my father was raising a child and by the time I had those thoughts it was too late to laugh. She noticed and asked me what was on my mind and I told her how I liked every profile on Bumble because it was more efficient since the women had to like my profile and message me and by the time they’d done both those things they must be fairly invested in me and I could choose from those profiles to try to spark up some witty banter. She told me my strategy made sense but wasn’t very romantic and I told her I knew that but I wanted to demonstrate how transparent a person I was. I realized I probably should’ve been more focused on listening to her than demonstrating what kind of a person I am but it’s hard to do that with a type A personality which I sometimes think is a nice term for selfish. But, regardless, my date with Sandra didn’t go very well.

My date with Sandra didn’t go very well. She told me about her family and how her parents were from Ghana and I told her that mine weren’t and she said she could tell and I asked her how and she said because if I had any real experience with different cultures we wouldn’t be at a California Pizza Kitchen and I told her my favorite Mexican food was Chipotle and she called me basic. I told her that basic is basic for a reason and sometimes the majority is right and then I added that I’d been to Central America twice but I didn’t mention that I only ate peanut butter and jelly the whole time I was there and lost several pounds because apparently I wasn’t as transparent as I thought I was. She told me that if I wanted to be just like everyone else I should go ahead and I said I’m not like anyone else but when I stand out from a crowd it’s not going to be because of my eating habits. She sensed a shift in my tone and jokingly asked if we were having our first fight and I said I think we’re having our last and she didn’t respond right away so my date with Sandra didn’t go very well.

My date with Sandra didn’t go very well. She told me she could tell I was a gentleman because I asked her to dinner instead of just drinks and I told her thank you but really I was just hungry. I chuckled a little bit when I said it because laughter is supposed to be contagious but she must’ve been immune. Most of what I say jokingly remains accurate to how I truly feel, and based on how quickly I’d eaten my pizza she could tell I really was hungry or I just wanted the date to be over with. Either way, my date with Sandra didn’t go very well.

My date with Sandra didn’t go very well. She told me I reminded her of her ex and I said it seems like she has bad taste in men and she said he was a good guy but he did leave a bad taste in her mouth and then to switch the subject she said this meal was leaving a bad taste in her mouth because I had bad taste in restaurants. I didn’t respond to the repetition but I told her it’s sad something so sweet can leave such a bad aftertaste nonetheless and she said I should probably leave the metaphor alone now and I agreed. She said I was right, though. She added that we probably wouldn’t have to deal with that because we started so sourly and I asked her why she was allowed to keep the taste metaphor and I wasn’t. She shrugged. She said she could tell this wasn’t going anywhere and I said it was refreshing to hear something so straightforward. She told me there were a lot of fish in the sea and I said yeah, but most of them are ugly and she finally laughed. My date with Sandra didn’t go very well, but at least I made a really good friend. Just kidding; we never spoke again.

The following letter was never printed in Dear Abby, though some scholars say it should have been.

Dear Abby,

Where do I begin. Let me give you some back story. I started dating this guy — we’ll call him Jeff, because his name his Jeff — about a year ago. At first I didn’t think he really liked me, but I had a huge crush on him and I just wouldn’t give up. I finally worked up the courage to ask him out one day and he told me no but it turns out he was just kidding around. We went out and t was great. Fast forward a month and we were the couple that everyone was talking about. He was the funniest guy on campus and I was his quirky sidekick and everybody wanted to hang out with us. It was all so perfect. Then after about six months into dating, things started to get weird. The funny texts started to slow down, then disappear. I’d try to start up our fun conversations and he would just look off into the distance, uninterested. We didn’t hang out as much as we used to, and he started to be mean to my friends and snap at me. He never used to do that. I finally brought it up, and he ended things with me. This was two months ago. No explanation. We didn’t talk for weeks. I was brokenhearted. Finally, I get a text out of the blue from him. It made me smile for the first time since things got weird. I felt a spark of joy. We met up that night and then the next and the next. Just like that, things were back to normal! Two weeks ago he asked me to be his girlfriend again and I couldn’t help myself; of course I said “Yes!” But then last night he proposed to me. And I knew I wanted to marry him before we even started dating. When you know, you know, right? But he still hasn’t explained his weird actions, so here’s my question: How do you do CPR? Because my friend’s been laying on the floor for like an hour and I’m pretty sure she’s dead.

1 pointless thing:

Cursive writing — Imagine having created English language. Such a complex format on which we’ve compiled massive documents dedicated entirely to defining each word, linking similar words and their definitions and origins, etc. We teach every child how to better themselves within this language in oral format as well as written and how to understand it better from both perspectives for thirteen years straight. And then someone comes up with this idea: “The same thing, but only it looks different and is harder.” That’s it. There’s no added benefit, we just do it because we can. I would’ve loved to have been a part of that meeting (I’m assuming it was presented at like America’s first Town Hall session or something; I didn’t do the research).

1 thing I like:

Having things out of reach. Doesn’t sound like something people would like, but I think it’s more common and just less acknowledged. Most things aren’t worth the hype (some undoubtedly are) but most aren’t. Just like the guy or girl who pursues their significant other so relentlessly and then loses interest once they’ve “gotten” them or the cliche rom-com character that finally gets the “big promotion” and realizes it isn’t all it’s cut out to be, I enjoy the process. There’s a growing narrative about how the “American Dream” is really just an endless cycle of education and career growth to save enough money to retire and then realizing your best years are behind you and slipping into senility. What about this — the dream is the chase. The dream is the mindset that you’re headed towards something better and you find daily satisfaction in the understanding that you’re headed towards your goals. It’s not the actual accomplishment, the peak, that’s so satisfying for more than a moment, it’s the constant improved mindset of someone knowing they’re on the right track. I think happiness is the pursuit of happiness and I think hamsters are happy on their treadmill (just as long as you don’t tell them it’s pointless). But I guess I just told you guys that, so perhaps ignorance really would’ve been bliss. Vaughn was right. It do be like that sometimes.