TV Couples and My Dream
Today’s edition contains a section titled “TV Couples That Aren’t Together Anymore” in which I break down which couples from the shows “How I Met Your Mother”, “Friends”, and “Gossip Girl” and why their relationships won’t work in the long run. If you haven’t finished these shows, there are absolute spoilers in there, so avoid them if you care. Now here’s the other part:
I have this dream. It’s this grand, far-fetched, perhaps unrealistic dream. But I have it, and I think it could change the world. In fact, it’s about changing the world. I have a dream that we become a society without pretense. We don’t say “hello” in the morning when we’re tired and are eyes are half-open and our throats are so scratchy we’ll sound like life-long smokers if we try to respond. We don’t shake hands at job interviews; we keep our germs to ourselves and preserve each other’s health. We don’t sing happy birthday, because it’s awkward and if we wanted the subject of our attention to truly have a happy birthday we’d just send them ma funny GIF and maybe Venmo them a few bucks like a real friend. We don’t say “excuse me” when we cut someone in line; we just wait our turn. Unless it’s an absolute emergency, and then the person being cut will understand that it’s an emergency because that’s the only time anyone would ever dare do such a thing. We don’t say “please” and we don’t say “thank you”, except to fill in the conversational blanks while ordering food. We just help our friends when we have the opportunity and assume that they’d do the same for us and that it’ll all even out. We trust the system. At funerals, we don’t say “sorry for your loss”, we’re just sorry for their loss. We give people a hug if they like hugs and try to distract them, but if they don’t like hugs then we definitely don’t hug them. We support each other by doing what’s best for one another, not what makes us look best. As for weddings, we don’t attend them if they’re across the country at an inconvenient time. Unless the open bar and seeing old friends makes it worthwhile to us, then we’ll show up. We’re happy for you guys — trust us — but we can be happy from afar. I have this dream, and it means a lot to me. It means so much that when pass I want everyone who loved me to throw a big party and watch all my old videos and tell jokes and make fun of me and have a good time. And then I want them to donate my organs and cremate what’s left so I don’t have to take up any further real estate and make the living generation pay even higher premiums for a place to lay their head. I don’t care; I’m dead. So, anyways, that’s my dream. But the other day my friend did a favor for me and I didn’t say “thank you” and he felt taken for granted. And then I told him I was sorry, and that made everything better.
I have another dream where the entire world is falling on top of me and I’m sitting on a park bench with a bike helmet on, but that’s a different kind of dream.
TV Couples That Aren’t Together Anymore:
Serena and Dan — Gossip Girl
This one is pretty obvious. Throughout the entire show they were on and off, they had an obscene amount of drama, many different relationships, and could hardly stand each other for more than a week straight. And you expect things to be different now? No way. Dan just told Serena that he had been keeping secrets from her for their entire relationship because he didn’t think that they would have ended up together without his manipulative behind-the-scenes commentary on her life and the lives of those around her. Not only that, he caused her many moments of anguish and self-loathing with his gossip reports on her, and he claims that he wants what’s best for her? Absolutely not. Spotted: Dan and Serena broken up, this time for good. XOXO.
Ted Mosby and Robin Scherbatsky — How I Met Your Mother
It pains me to say this, but how can I believe that this couple lasts? Ted’s devotion to her is unquestionable. His unhealthy dedication to her as a friend while losing relationships with women far more committed to him than she would ever be was a consistent theme in the nine years of theirs we viewed. Time and again she turned him down, and the first hint she showed of regretting it was in the final episode, years after she’d married his best friend (the ultimate display of disregard towards him), suggesting to their mutual friend, Lily, that he was “probably the guy she should’ve ended up with.” Robin knew Ted would always be an option, and he was never her first choice. That’s not going to change this time; she’ll merely give it a brief shot and then move on to the next shiny thing, knowing fully that he will be there when she wants him again.
Ross and Rachel — Friends
This one is obvious, right? They broke up like three hundred times. Also, the show ended a while ago, but internet and cell phones were in use; why did they act like her taking a trip across the country was the definitive end for their potential relationship? All she would’ve needed to do was book another flight. Given that she’s uprooting an entire career to spend her life with this guy, they probably could’ve also arranged for an international flight. Regardless, Ross is still an incredibly boring human being with nothing to say who resorts to arguments to fill in the blanks and Rachel will be fed up with it in less time than it took for her to book that original flight. Give it a week at most and she’s back on her way. Sorry, Ross, should’ve stayed married to her while you could.