When the suffering is great enough that you want to change something.

“Real growth will not start until you get tired of your own crap.”

I saw that post on social media and I decided to mention it to a close friend of mine who was coming by my house to borrow money for the second time this month.

Ding Dong; the doorbell rang. I opened the door, invited him in and immediately started…

“You are the author in the “BOOK OF YOU”; but not having your shit together allows everyone else to write a chapter in your book.”

This worldly advice went in one ear and out the other as he crumbled the ten $20 bills that. I handed to him, and put them in his pocket.

Smiling, he said “thank you”; now I have to decide whether to pay my PG&E (energy bill) or my cell phone bill…after I grab a burger and put some gas in the whip.”

My buddies relationships were horrible his friendships were strained, and his children did not want anything to do with him. His finances were a joke, and he was on the verge of loosing his 5 year minimum wage job.

If that wasn’t bad enough his girlfriend ended their three year relationship calling him a “habitual liar.”

My friend was at “wit’s end” and since neither of us had. IYANLA VANZANT’S number I decided that it was my responsibility to help get him out of this rut.

But I had to sell him on the plan.

You are the problem.

I sat my friend down and explain to him, “It is your call, you determine whether your circumstances will be lessons or blessings.

It all depends on how you respond to them. You have difficulties within yourself and they carry over into your personal relationships. The type of relationships you have with others is a direct reflection of the type of relationship you have with yourself.”

I continued by elaborating “you are the problem here. The problem is you. Your relationships won’t change until you change the stories that you’ve been convincing yourself to believe.

Pointing that finger.

It is always easier to blame someone else than to accept responsibility. That’s the main reason society allows us to point fingers. To take the easy way out.

While my friend was still sitting there I asked him “who else had access to your bank account?” “Just me” he replied.

I asked “who maxed out all of your credit cards?”

He shrugged his shoulders and muttered “Me.”

Feeling I had him where I wanted him, I went for “the Juglar”…

…who’s fault is it that your children don’t come by, call, or visit you? Almost in tears, he said in hushed tones. “It’s my fault.”

I reminded my buddy that the only good thing “pointing fingers” does is it keeps you safe from having to look at the gap between who you believe you are, and who you really are.”

Shaken and embarrassed, my buddy admitted that “most of his problems were his fault.” Not all, but most.

I reminded him “pointing the finger” keeps you stuck at the same place you were when you pointed it.”

Become accountable.

I challenged my confidant to set short term goals. I had him write his goals down and be clear of exactly what he wanted to achieve. I made sure that he mentioned that he wanted to change his habits and become accountable. Wiping the tears, he proudly wrote “I want to find a better paying job; one that I would feel good going to.” We both smiled.

He wrote down that he wanted to visit his children at least two times a month and establish a relationship with his grandchild.

His last goal on the list was to prove to his girlfriend that he is not a habitual liar. He mentioned “there would be a date for each goal to be accomplished.” “I’m impressed”, he’s catching on faster than I thought he would.

It appeared that he was on the road to assuming accountability.

Clearly not the same man who couldn’t decide whether to keep his lights on or play Tik Tok.

There you have it; my plan to bring my boy back to respectability.

I got him to see that he’s the problem, to stop pointing his finger, and to hold himself accountable for his short term goals.

“People don’t change until the benefits of change outweigh the comfort of staying the same.”

You have to do the work. Take the air out of the excuses you used to stay afloat, and learn to swim. Take the Band-Aid off of the sore and let the air heal the wound. It is empowering to “own your own shit” that way you can clean it up and create the life of your choice.

In summary, my pal hit rock bottom. I had to intervene or else the next “rough patch” might have him purchasing a ticket to the “other side.”

Thank You,

Love and Happiness,

Ira Coogler

The Coogler Resolution: Insane with Ira