Fight or flight — thoughts on loss, grief and growth
This morning i came across a post from a friend. I have learned from some of his previous posts that he, at some point in his early 20’s i believe, lost his mother. In this particular post, the full moon is out and he is getting ready to communicate with his late mother — through a ritual of burning Impepho. He had also asked other people who follow his page to post messages to their loved ones that they would like him to communicate to the other side on their behalf.
Reading his post, going through some of the other messages people wrote to their late loved ones — i started to choke up and had to hold back tears. I did not immediately understand what was causing them or why i felt like crying. The weight of these words that people wanted to share with those who have once been the most important people in their lives and are now gone, came crashing down on me. It made me feel their pain; it made me, for a moment, be in their shoes. I felt a terror — for losing my parents — that i have never thought about nor felt before. I felt a guilt — for not always prioritizing time with them — and for not always expressing gratitude, and love for them, to them.
More importantly — from everyone’s words there — i felt a wonder. How much does losing a parent, an older brother, an older sister — really force one to grow? We, humans, are socialized in such a way that we comfortably relinquish the responsibility for growing up to these figures as children. They are supposed to raise us. What happens if they are gone to soon? Do we stop growing, being raised, and remain grieving ‘children’ forever? Or do we grow and raise ourselves quicker, as an instinctual survival trait? What really happens?
I, at times have felt a conflicted anger with myself for “being too comfortable” or too complacent; feeling like i do not push myself enough. How much of this is due to me feeling safe that if ‘success’ doesn’t happen right away — i still have the safety-net of those who raised me. How much of the success of some folks — is fueled by the agency, terror and fight-or-flight triggered by losing their safety net? What about people who’s ‘flight’ instinct kicks in instead of ‘fight’? People who lose those that raised them and never break out of the pain and grief, and cycles of depression that can come with it?
Is there a relationship between loss, grief, and growth? If there is, what is it?
