You Say Land-Line I Say Air-Line

When I tell my friends that I own my own air-line they say I’m crazy. They have a point, I suppose, and yet I also have a point. My telephone line comes through the air, not the land. So, I think that the fact that I am crazy is really irrelevant, and, besides, I wish they would stop reminding me.

Of course, it used to be called a telephone, but now that term is no longer very descriptive. As everyone knows the word ‘telephone’ is Greek for ‘loves to gossip’ from ‘tell’ meaning ‘loose lips’ and ‘phon’ meaning ‘love of.’ So now I am told that I must say land-line rather than telephone since one must be able to tweet or text or play solitaire on a real telephone.

Still there are some advantages to having the so-called land-line; advantages that don’t necessarily accrue to those having a so-called telephone.

For one thing you never have to worry about friends or relatives calling you on your land-line. Instead, as it turns out, there are quite a few free vacations available to those rich enough to own such a land-line. Amy calls quite often to tell me she has important information about my credit card account. If not for Amy, I would never know that there were problems.

Also, ones opinion of a variety of political candidates is assiduously sought by kindly robots. For many it may be their only opportunity to experience the wonders of this brave new world of AI.

The land-line is a necessary vehicle for the health and well being of the telemarketer’s economy. The fact that one is supporting the telemarking companies is reason enough for paying extra money to the telephone company for your land-line. Indeed, it is the only really patriotic thing to do.

But there is more: many clever rich people in Haiti and Jamaica and elsewhere are able to help senior citizens reduce the tax liabilities in their IRAs and banking accounts. Do the wonders of the land-line never cease? No! They never cease.

Now the telephone companies could at almost no extra expense make land-lines work almost the same way that real telephones work. But what would be the point? It would only contract the economy and telemarketers and con-men would be hurt.

Since the laws for blocking telemarketers from phoning your land-line do not work, the costumer with a real telephone could easily block unwanted calls. But then, who would call you? No one, that’s who. And if you stop answering your incoming telephone calls, the incoming signal processors will atrophy and then where will you be? Out in the boonies, like living in god-forsaken fly-over. Where would you be? Nowhere, that’s where.