This was a heartfelt, sincere, and hilarious how-to, and Tiny Fey would be proud. I wish I had advice like this when I entered college, because that would have helped a lot. Instead, I spent 4.5 years running around like a chicken with its head cut off, injecting caffeine into my veins and snorting Adderall. (Not really, but you get the idea.) Hopefully some prospective freshman will have the chance to read this and take your advice into consideration; plungers are always necessary.