Stages Of My Acceptance
Am I so lapsed in consciousness that it takes immense pain for me to be able to see my own light? Amidst the pitch black darkness; that filled my perceptions; I fought and used my energy in the wrong ways; I rejected all that was happening with me instead of allowing my journey to be what it is. After all, the unknown can be scary. Amidst the darkness, I stumbled and fell so many times and there were times I couldn’t get back up, sometimes I even got knocked down as I tried to climb out of that darkness but I realized that, that was where I needed to be at that time. The fight wasn’t about getting out as much as it was about accepting where I was and working within that realm. Pain is uncomfortable in any capacity so we do our best to escape it instead of being patient and seeing what it is revealing to us about ourselves; about our lives. I was exactly where I needed to be. I had this imaginary expectation of perfection hovering over my life and it was hard to let go of that. There were so many layers being unfolded and it seemed that the more I continued, the more layers that I had to go. I got over one phase just to jump into another layer I had to overcome. Having depth in a shallow world has always been a struggle for me. Living in a shallow world where most of the qualities I possess aren’t valued or properly understood in our society, so they just lay dormant. Living in a world, constantly being misunderstood and how isolating that is at times. In some senses, I’m a purist, I’m not fighting for anyone’s spot and I refuse to conform or succumb to the degradation of our human capacities. Our ability to use wisdom and discretion are diminished to satisfy or to top the next person, even to gain validation from our peers who care nothing about us past what we can do for them. Soon we will be desensitized to all human traits; core values essential for our survival and betterment. We criticize what and who we don’t like by being exactly what and who we don’t like. Being in pain forced me to shift my energy and thoughts even though I didn’t feel they were my reality, at the time.
- Die Ego
I truly want to make a difference while I’m here, be of service to others, help others and do things because it’s right; not do things because I want bread or because I want attention/worldly accolades. I didn’t come this far or navigate through all this pain to compromise my soul for recognition or to feed the never-ending; never satisfied ego. In fact, having a condition where I experience chronic pain and the effect it had on my mind, my ego had to die. Everything I knew, to be me, that I worked hard to attain, was leaving; I watched as she slipped my grasp and couldn’t hold onto her. I struggled to love and be gentle with myself in this process because I just saw what/who I wasn’t instead of looking at the space being created for MY evolution, for the change that I needed to get to the next step in my journey. I’ve fallen short of God’s grace and the universe’s for that matter; because of how I treated myself and how I treated others. We hide in our insecurity and compare ourselves and our situations to not seem as bad as the next instead of working toward being our best and working out of our inner self. I also beat up on myself, not allowing my body or my mind to recuperate. The pain wreaked havoc on my physical body which in turn destroyed me mentally. Little did I know, it was the shedding of the old, to make space for the new. I continuously asked God, why? But, why not me? Why don’t I have to suffer? Would I want this for anyone else? Bottom line is, I have it (fibromyalgia) because I am equipped to deal with it. When my ego gets loud, I shut it down because I am not a victim nor will I victimize myself.
- Far from “normal”
Supernatural aura in tow, somehow I feel incomplete if I do not acknowledge God or honor my inner self in all things; it will always feel like a compromise if I don’t. Adversity and pain are not blocks but tools that shaped me for what I’d been asking for; tools to MAKE me become who I’m supposed to by divine order. If it didn’t happen in that way, I would not have evolved. My pain has been my revelation; it’s awakened me to layers of my inner-self, that I never knew existed. It’s left me involuntarily exposed to energies, both good and uncomfortable. I am still learning to navigate energy and create healthy boundaries.
I am not really big into astrology or numerology but the more spiritual and closer to God I am, I begin to notice a shift in pattern/energy. I have been noticing synchronicity in numbers such as: 1111, 222, 333, etc. There have also been several occasions in which I will dream vividly about other people and their situations. I don’t always share but there have been times where I will contact the person and they will have been experiencing exactly what my dream showed me. In addition, as if it can’t get any weirder, lol; I could be experiencing a really challenging day and talk to someone like my mom and have IDENTICAL experiences as her down to the detail. I’m naturally an empath but this is a whole new level for me. It’s happened with a few people, but so far it’s usually people I share a spiritual closeness with. Am I always ready for what I experience and what I’m shown? I say no (ego, lol). But I have to be if this is what I’m experiencing.
I share my experiences, vulnerabilities and the unconventional aspects of my life in hopes of helping and healing others. My vow as an artist is to be open about the things that no one wants to talk about. I will not resonate with everyone, but I will resonate with someone.