What’s that feeling?

It’s fear.

Fear of loneliness. Of criticism. Of failure. Of more loss. Of the work it takes to figure out who I am and what I want. Fear of doing it all without you. Fear of taking a leap into the unknown and a fear of just how far my imagination stretches. A fear of ideas. Of more mistakes.

It’s a fear of missing out on watching you grow. Sadness at the fact I don’t get to feel your chest against mine, or tingle at your breath on my neck. Disbelief that those tender moments are all in the past, that it wasn’t enough. That I wasn’t enough.

It’s a fear that you will love someone else more, or that you already do. That rushes through me and pins me down and burns and shocks me.

It’s a fear of fear itself, and being caught in a state of constant anxiety. Of the silent, gripping panic attacks lasting many more days or months. Please, please, not years.

It’s a fear I feel in my mind and body so strongly that it’s finally taken form. Grey hairs and the threat of wrinkles. Sad eyes and forced smiles.

But listen. Fear is always going to be there somewhere. It’s inbuilt for survival, a reminder that you desperately want to make it through.

Think of that quote you love by Georgia O’Keefe.

“I’ve been absolutely terrified every moment of my life and I’ve never let it keep me from doing a single thing that I wanted to do.”

You’ve always been scared, and sometimes you’ve missed opportunities because of it. But there’s no more time for that.

You are going to feel the fear and do it anyway. Because yes you have anxiety, and yes it is painful, hard, exhausting, isolating. But do you know what else you have?

Nerve that propels you forwards.

Go get dressed up, go meet your friend, go meet those nice new people. Be yourself and live through the adrenaline and cortisol that is making your fingers shake as you type.

Do. Not. Let. It. Beat. You.

)

Love Letters to Myself

Written by

A challenge: to write a message of love and encouragement to myself as often as possible to help heal the grief of loss, soothe change and kiss deep wounds.

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