An Old Letter To Future Me
How are you? Are you doing well? There are so many things I’ve yet to see and do; I hope you didn’t give up on them, on yourself. As of now, there’s still a lot of shit going on with your (our) life. You know how it is, never being able to move on because you’re tied to things that you wish you could just quit. Right now, I think you’re set with your… professional/career trajectory or at least what you want to do. I hope you didn’t give up going to grad school, I doubt I’d forgive you if you did. It’s amazing though that after nearly 6 years in college you finally see a semblance of a path you want to take and it’s reassuring and it helps you trudge through the day. Remember when you were floating in between majors? You almost went to Development Studies, or European Studies, or Creative Writing. But you stuck to Environmental Science because somehow you knew it’d felt right even if you still had reservations. I still sometimes wonder why I took this path but then I remember this is probably the best route to pursue what I want to do but most importantly it’s the best path I see to helping people.
I’m assuming you graduated. I’m so proud of you. I know how difficult it was for you, having to stop school that crucial first semester of your supposed last year. It was such a difficult time. And I know you know why. Right now I’m so much better though. My doctor’s been a great help and my meds too although I do forget to take them most of the time, oops haha. But anyway, I know you’re stronger now. Probably the thing most holding me back is XX. Somehow, I can’t stop. And right now I don’t want to. And this is probably the stupidest thing I’ve ever done. But I have my reasons, no matter how malignant or pathological they may be — leaving marks: that is to say I was here, when you were not. I hope you’ll be able to forgive me, yourself.
On your 22nd birthday your friends gave you a book called, The Crossroads of Should and Must. I’m pretty sure it’s about finding and following your passion. Now, this is where it gets cheesy. I hope you’re getting closer to finding out why you were born and why all the shit happened to you in your childhood, and how it affected, for better or for worse, your worldview. Know though that you wouldn’t be who you are if it weren’t for the collective events and responses in your life.
Remember though, you don’t need to follow the pace that’s expected of you. Take your time.
Sarte said that to act is to modify the shape of the world. I hope in your own way you’re moulding the world to be gentler to live in, make it so that a bit more light seeps through, so that there are kinder tides in this ripple of life. There’s not much to say in this regard. I think now I have a better or clearer understanding of purpose. You’ll be committed to so many things in the future and that’s really scary. But I think though, you’re honest enough with yourself to not commit things to thing that you don’t really want as well as to push yourself when commitment is necessary.
Remember your friends. Friendship is beautiful, it’s probably one of the things that’s keeping you going now. Commit to friendship.
We have learned to measure distance, therefore also position. Be honest with yourself and know where you are in life and how far you still need to go and acknowledge and remember the many things you needed to leave behind in the process. Know your capacity and realize the many things you’re capable of doing. Remember, you are capable. If you can’t do it for yourself do it for others around you and hopefully through that you can find your ikigai, your reason to wake up in the morning.
Try to live a purposeful life or at least always be in the process of striving for the purposeful and commit to purpose. I think with purpose, you won’t go wrong.
Be brave, Self. You can do it.
P.S. I hope you didn’t stop writing poetry. You better be published by this time. Haha.
I wrote this for my final theology class in my final year in university. I remember cramming this too, barely making the 11:59PM deadline. Haha. Incredibly mushy but whatever (that’s theology for you). Reading this after ~7 months feels incredibly strange.