They Are Us
A Selfish Approach To Inclusion
Earlier this year, I was so looking forward to my first trip to New Zealand. Little I knew that by the time I get to my last stop — Christchurch — it would be carrying the bitter grief of the tragic terror-attack. Walking along countless tributes in front of Al Noor Mosque, which silently but firmly protested violence, I was wondering: why do some people welcome cultures different from their own, while others react with a threat response? It made me reflect on my own journey towards becoming more inclusive — the part of it behind me and the horizons ahead — and whether any of the lessons I learned so far would resonate with someone else.
Easier global mobility in recent decades offered us more choices of where to live and settle down. Some of us are driven by curiosity and an adventurous mindset or seek a better lifestyle; others flee from threatening conditions for their life, in a search for a more certain future for their children. Whatever the story is, there are more and more places around the world that we share with each other, creating melting pots of languages, accents, religions, dress codes, and cuisines. And we try to work out how to coexist in these melting pots. How can we cherish every tradition brought to it while respecting the norms of the hosting country? How can we leverage different ways of thinking without making the process of working together bloody hard?
As in any relationship, successful coexistence depends on both parties: the “receiving” community with its established culture and the one integrating into it. It’s like a newly married couple who are trying to get used to the ways of living each of the partners inherited from their families: who does what around the house, which way to put a toilet paper roll on the holder, how each of them likes eggs in the morning. The difference is that the newly married are usually in love with each other, which helps them tolerate and work through these differences. In multicultural communities, however, you might feel forced to find a way to overcome these contrasts without the support of your love hormones.
I find this is exactly why the efforts in inclusion space are not as successful as they could be: they are not focused on individual benefits enough. We are told that we must be inclusive, and we should feel bad if we are not. Without the understanding of what is in it for me, we end up with this artificial inclusion which sounds like this: “Hey there, you are welcome, come in! Just make sure your food does not smell, don’t make noise after nine, oh, and you must play by my rules. Feel home, anyways!”
And I don’t blame them! For the first 20 years of my life, I was not exposed to much diversity and did not think of inclusion. Since then, I lived in two other countries, which gave me an opportunity to see and feel the challenges of the multicultural environment through the eyes of a migrant. But the real test was waiting for me when I chose to spend my life with my partner from a completely different cultural and religious background. We both shaped our values and personalities somewhere in-between West and East and are so close to each other I could not imagine being possible. And yet, we had to work through much more than a couple from the same background would. Specific family expectations from both sides, communities’ pressure and each other’s strong characters, turned our first years together in a journey full of cultural clashes, reflections and non-stop learning. What would you do for love?
I quickly got clear to me that there is no way back — this IS the man of my life. So, to get all the cultural challenges out of the way and enjoy every aspect of our life, I needed to review my current way of sense-making when it comes to interacting with people. Below are a few simple ideas that helped me the most.
Connect through feelings. Since I realised this simple idea, I have been using it all the time. And it always works, no matter who you are talking to! While not all of the other cultures’ behaviours and customs will resonate with us, most likely you will make sense of them if you try to understand what they make people feel. Once you relate to this emotion (and you will, as emotions are universal), you can understand what that particular behaviour means to them and think of behaviours or actions that cause the same feeling for you. You will soon realise that we are not too different from one another. At this deeper level, when all rubbish is stripped off, down to basic emotions, it is easy to see that “they are us”.
(P.S. I later realised that this is probably what people call “empathy”. But to me it was one of those means-something-nice words that did not really mean anything until I made sense of it in my own way.)
To get a bonus here, think about what exactly caused your adverse reaction in the first place. If you are brave to be true to yourself, you will quite likely unpack either a negative belief or some situation from the past that which you haven’t worked through yet. Consciously digging out and getting rid of this deeply rooted stuff will make you feel lighter and will make space for new ideas and behaviours.
Don’t jump to assumptions — put things into perspective. For thousands of years, our ancient instincts taught us that we have just a couple of seconds to recognise a friend or an enemy in a stranger. But now it isn’t good enough to stop here. Judging only by clothes, language proficiency or occupation, we risk overlooking the whole world of discoveries that a closer interaction would uncover.
For example, one might assume that a migrant mother is staying home with kids because her education is not good enough for a decent job in a more developed country. But the understanding of the importance of bringing up kids in the best possible way in her community can challenge this assumption. Don’t get me wrong, I am not encouraging anyone to revert to traditional orthodox models or lock women in the kitchen. What I am saying is that one needs to step out of what is a norm for you to truly understand behaviours that are different. It is not easy. But if you approach it sincerely, with an open mind, you might get rewarded with new ideas challenging your own way of living for better.
Get curious — awaken the learning mind of a child within you. Sure, we can connect to like-minded people, or mingle with those joining for a beer every Friday. And that is how we get stuck. It is perfectly fine if that is the comfortable choice you make. But if you are reading this article, chances are high you like stretching the boundaries of your comfort zone. There is nothing wrong with occasionally having a beer with those who confirm your existing beliefs and worldviews. But spending more time in inquisitive interaction with those who might seem very different at first sight, can reveal countless opportunities to reshape your way of thinking, interests and ultimately, your future.
I would argue that if you practice these simple steps regularly, they will make you smarter. Not only because you will learn new things, but even just by creating new neurons in your brain every time you try something you haven’t done before or talk to a person from a different background. Give it a go and do something new with someone (from the first sight) very different to you this week. It might be a selfish approach in inclusion, but as long as it works and makes us, humans, more peaceful, I don’t mind.
