The Corrosive Impact of Gendered Comments

I was trying to get our chihuahua to stop barking, she is a friendly pooch who loves to bark at machinery she can’t make sense of. As she settled, the following comment was made by the man who was at the receiving end of her barking. ‘typical female, yapping away’.

Another man in the group drew a breath, shook his head and said, ‘your brave mate, you’re on your own here’. Cue to uneasy laughter, as all eyes turned to look at me.

No, not brave, at all. The comment was offensive, sexist, and undermining.

Knowing the man that made this comment, he would never have intended offence. He just hasn’t thought about it more deeply. He hasn’t had the opportunity to sit in a safe space and explore the impact of his words.

In the same way we regurgitate unacceptable sayings until we pause and think about what we are saying and the meaning they can carry for others. An alternative will be difficult to recognise. Consequently, these comments will continue to be repeated.

Flippant, sexist comments are too readily rolled out, ignored, and accepted. Often with the expectation that we (women) should brush them aside, not take offence and that we need to get a sense of humour and laugh them off. When we (women) don’t we are considered to be uptight, can’t take a joke and that we are making everything about gender.

In these scenarios, women are not the problem. We do not need an attitude adjustment.

The blind acceptance and repetition of these types of statements, which reinforce underlying beliefs and embed archaic mental models is the problem. This anchors a stereotype, not a kind one. Sure, you can argue that this comment measures 3 on the Richter scale, not overtly offensive, no damage done. So, what’s the issue?

The issue is that micro aggressive comments reinforce and condone unacceptable comments, attitudes, and behaviours. Normalising or ignoring these comments make it harder to catch them, or to challenge them in a constructive manner.

Diversity, Equity and Inclusion expert Dr. Pragya Agarwal writing for Forbes, defines micro aggressions as “brief and commonplace daily verbal, behavioural, and environmental indignities, whether intentional or unintentional, that communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative racial, gender, sexual orientation, and religious slights and insults to the target person or group.”

Over time microaggressions corrode.

When I spoke to the other man present, he expressed that he felt the comment was inappropriate. He did try to indicate this with his response. The resulting conversation we had gives me hope and reaffirms the firm belief that the only way to close the gender divide is by men and women coming together to engage in meaningful dialogue in safe spaces. This is why I do the work I do, partnering with extraordinary women and men to shift the rusty gender equity dial towards balance.

I get it, there is a risk. Sometimes perceived and sometimes very real when standing up to accepted, often unacceptable remarks and behaviours, it takes courage to do so.

Men have an important role to play together with women in achieving gender equity. What got us here, will not get us there.

‘When men are deliberately engaged in gender inclusion programs, 96% of organizations see progress — compared to only 30% of organizations where men are not engaged. But many organizations still focus their diversity and inclusion efforts on women, or at best, invite men to attend events designed for women.(Source: How Men Can Become Better Allies to Women W. Brad Johnson & David G. Smith)

What can men do to be better allies in these situations?

Many of the men I speak to and work with want to. They are often unaware of the impact, the blind cultural acceptance, the conditioning that we have all been subject to over generations.

I regularly have deep, honest conversations with men, they share that they are uncomfortable with these types of comments. That they know they should or could have responded differently, they just weren’t sure how to. Or that the realisation of how to respond constructively came much later, after the moment had passed. And then it felt too late.

If you are a man seeking guidance on how to show up more powerfully as an ally for gender equity, here are 5 tips to get you started.

Call it out. Naming what happened is powerful. Without judgement, without filling the gaps or providing an answer. Let go of the expectation of bearing witness to the realisation, it might come quickly, or it may take time to emerge.

Engage in regular conversations with women, at work and at home. Listen deeply, and seek to understand the everyday lived experiences and impact on women due to the entrenched patriarchal systems we all live in.

Challenge yourself, your beliefs, behaviours and world view. Be curious, where do these come from and why do you hold onto them?

Examine the impact on your life. How gender inequality impacts and narrows options for men.

Decide, to expand your awareness, to educate yourself on the issues women face, daily. Decide to be more courageous. Speak up, take action. The world needs more men to step up, to be allies for closing the gender divide, to create a better world for all.

Are you willing to be that Ally?

Imagine what is possible for our collective future if we shifted the focus to Wellbeing Equity, a place where it’s not either or, or one of win or lose.

This is a system where regardless of our gender, gender identity or gender roles, health and wellbeing are foundational. Where one’s gender doesn’t negatively impact one’s health, growth or potential.

Together we can all play a part in creating systems that provide equal opportunities to participate in the world personally and professionally.