4 Unexpected Lessons Proven to Succeed in Polyamory
The good, the bad and the ugly, this is my take away — whether you’re polyamorous or not.
I started dating at 16. A handful of boyfriends and 10 years later, I strayed from the monogamous path straight into polyamory. And now, 12 years down that road, I believe it’s taught me a lot more about relationships and self than any other phase in my life.
How to Hear “No”
The Rolling Stones once sang, “You can’t always get what you want,”. What they didn’t sing about was the profound impact of hearing that dreaded “no” from someone you love. Whether it’s a request to meet their parents, plan a weekend getaway, or even adopt a pet together, it’s never easy to ask for something and receive an unexpected rejection.
I vividly remember a time when my partner declined to go home with me after an event the polycule would be attending (we always went home together) because it was their scheduled date night with another person. Initially, I was hurt, angry, and confused. However, I eventually realized that their “no” was a way of saying “yes” to their other partner and fulfilling their commitments.
Today I can see that by telling you “no”, they are telling themselves “yes”. Instead of taking it personally and suspecting that person is purposefully trying to upset me, I aspire to be more empathetic and genuinely understand what needs that person is seeking to fulfill by negating my request.
To learn about this concept I recommend reading Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg.
It’s alright to be sad, mad or upset. My feelings are valid. And feelings aren’t facts. Just because I feel bad does not mean that the other person did something bad to me.
At this point I have a choice; accept that what I asked for is something that person simply is not willing to give me, for whatever reason, or get curious and try to understand the “yes” behind their “no”.
It’s not always easy to get an objective answer from somebody about why they are saying no to my proposal. A lot of times, that person doesn’t truly understand it themselves. That’s where empathy comes in.
Understanding that hearing “no” is often a way for someone to prioritize their own needs over my request was a profound shift in perspective. While it’s natural to feel upset, it’s essential to recognize that feelings are not facts. Instead of taking it personally, I strive for empathy and to understand the underlying reasons behind their decision. This change in mindset has lead to healthier and more compassionate interactions in all my relationships.
It’s Okay to Feel Upset
Entering the world of polyamory, I thought I had it all figured out after reading numerous books and articles. I knew exactly what to expect and with that foresight wouldn’t be caught off-guard.
The reality was that I still struggled with the typical situations and milestones common in many relationships of this type. And I felt like a failure. Ultimately, to be a good poly person, I should be super chill and not be affected by anything my partner did, right?
When my partner informed me of their intimate encounters with others, I struggled to suppress the negative emotions I felt. I expected myself to embrace compersion, the feeling of happiness when your partner is with someone else, but instead, I grappled with nausea, sadness, and anger.
Not only did I have to deal with every single emotion that came up in an uncomfortable situation, I also dealt with being ashamed that I was not handling it the way that I “should”. I wanted to be good at polyamory!
It took me a long time to figure out that it’s ok to not react to things the way you thought you would. It’s ok to be sad, angry, frustrated, vulnerable. It’s part of the learning process, the growing process. We have a lot of ideals and conceptions learnt over the years that we eventually are confronted with. It’s not easy to undo them.
Eventually, these difficult moments do seem to be less frequent. As they pop up again, it’s much easier to identify the feelings and needs behind them, making them easier to handle. It helps tremendously to concentrate solely on doing the emotional labor the moment demands, instead of dwelling on the grief of not doing things “right”.
You May Never Get Over Being Jealous
Jealousy is definitely the number one thing most people are worried about while venturing into polyamory. Polyamory is not a quick fix for it. It’s actually the opposite. You will find yourself in situations that will challenge these feelings a lot more frequently.
There are a handful of people in this world that claim to not get jealous on any occasion. Ever. However, this does not seem to be the case for the majority of the non monogamous community I have met over more than a decade. Most of them tend to struggle at least a little at some point. Some more than others.
Taming jealousy was hard. It wasn’t fun. It was different than I expected. But it was manageable. Not at first, though. At first it was the worst thing that’s happened to me. I questioned polyamory, my relationship, my partner and myself.
Eventually I learned to cope. I understood myself better. Situations that upset me at first don’t bother me anymore. Feelings that were undoubtedly intense are now just a slight inconvenience. Still, it never actually completely went away.
Even knowing it got easier, I’ve learned not to underestimate this emotion. It’s when you’re the most confident, you put your guard down, that jealousy will kick you in the butt.
I now can go long periods without feeling overwhelmed by it. To the point that I even forget what it’s like. I start to feel self-assured as I go through circumstances that awhile ago would have certainly unraveled me, but now are only a nuisance. Sometimes, not even.
In spite of that, occasionally, a new scenario develops and jealousy slaps me in the face with all it’s might!
Thanks to the baggage I’ve accumulated throughout the years, I know to expect this. I know I am not “cured” from jealousy forever. I have made peace with the fact that this sentiment will visit me every so often, and I accommodate it as well as I can.
I also developed the ability to learn from my jealousy and to turn it in my favor. If you’re interest in learning, check out my Jealousy Mastery mentoring program.
Their Time Does not Belong to You
I grew up thinking that finally getting a boyfriend meant we’d want to spend all our time together. So when I started dating I automatically assumed that any moment we were not executing our obligations, aka school and work, we’d be hanging out. I found this to be an unspoken expectation within monogamous culture.
The third guy I dated was my first love and the one that had stuck around the longest up until then. It was an extremely bad relationship, we fought everyday. Nonetheless, I gave up all of my interests, stopped socializing with my friends, neglected school work… I lived for that relationship, as did he.
However, transitioning into polyamory challenged this notion. In ethical non-monogamy, each individual maintains their autonomy and distinct needs. No one is capable of “completing” anyone else. We are whole all by ourselves and our partners add to our journey.
Sounds awesome, right?! However, after years of being conditioned to think that all my time belonged to my “better half”, and their time belonged to me, it was hard to genuinely understand the implications of that in real life.
One Saturday morning, one of my boyfriends (I had two at the time) told me that he wasn’t going to stay until the usual 7pm, he’d be leaving four hours earlier for a birthday party. I’ll admit I was very upset. Although I would have been less upset if he had given me a heads up, what troubled me the most was the fact that he was choosing not to spend all the time he could with me.
It took I great deal of inner monologue for me to finally tell myself that his time was his to do what he damn well pleased. It hurt to think that there would be some occasions that other activities were more interesting than I was, but it was a fact I needed to accept.
Sometimes the alternative event isn’t even anything special. They might just desire to be alone, or need more sleep. Maybe they’d like to binge watch a show I hate or play some videogames. At other moments they’ll opt to give another partner, friend or relative attention. And that’s ok. There will be times that I too crave these things, specially in longer relationships.
Learning to view time as a gift rather than an obligation has been a transformative shift in my perspective. Recognizing that your partner’s decision to allocate time elsewhere doesn’t diminish their love for you allows for a healthier and more balanced approach to relationships.
In conclusion, my journey into polyamory has been one of the most challenging but rewarding experiences of my life. These insights have not only brought on personal growth but have also contributed to more fulfilling and meaningful connections. I hope that sharing these lessons will resonate with others on their own journeys into non-monogamy and make things a bit easier.
Hope you enjoyed this post!
For more resources on doing the work in non-monogamous relationships, follow me on Facebook and on Instagram. Feel free to DM me on those platforms.
If you’d like to know more about my services as a polyamory mentor, check out my Website or schedule a free mentoring session here.
I’ve been polyamorous since 2012 and have been a mentor in the community since 2014. I share what I’ve learned during this journey and help others to navigate it as well.
