Don’t go for the Impossible

The idea of always wanting what we can’t has always passed through my mind like it didn’t exist. I never understood why people had this idea, of envy and jealousy, as a matter of fact those feelings were nothing to me. I thought I had never felt them before. But I was wrong in the last year, I finally learned it. Something so obvious escaped my attention, but it made me realize something.

“We ignore who wants to be with us, and we chase whomever is impossible to be with us.”

Maybe it was Yesterday

I would love to say this started yesterday, but again I was wrong the first time. We strive for what we can’t get and we ignore what comes to us with open arms.

My story starts when I was 6 years old. I was an only child, I got all the attention of my parents and what can I say back then I loved to have the attention for myself. I know you all know where this is going so I’ll say it fast, my first brother was born and he got more attention than I did. At the time I said it didn’t matter, but it did. In the outside I was kind and warm, but in the inside I was stone cold. I manage to say that I wasn’t jealous of my brother and the attention my parents gave him. But we all knew I was jealous. At the time for me it was only anger, and that is when I started striving for things that were running away from me and not embracing things that came to me. I wanted to be the spotlight, to be the center of attention but at the same time I rejected my independence and my freedom. From this moment until I became a teenager, when my second brother was about 4 years old, I had a rocky relationship with my two smaller brothers, and I lost what could have been for granted, a better family life.

“Striving for things we can’t get destroys us from inside, but its silent and when you notice you lose the other things.”

Middle School Crisis

When I was about eleven years old, in fifth grade, I was a totally different person. I wanted to be one of the popular kids, accepted by everybody. As a matter of fact I again searched for something that was impossible for me to obtain while ignoring something even more important.

In those years i had my group of friends, the other kids thought we were the weird ones. I was a gamer and a nature expert, the animal kid, the others not so remarkable. I valued more social acceptance than staying true to myself. It made me jump from group to group, the rebels, the weirdos, nerds, girls, jocks etc. I never had a stable group, every time I was with a different group. Except this kids, for some reason they wanted me to be with them.

The school year ended and one of them left, we were pretty close by that moment. We kept on having contact for summer and some of the start of school. But I was so focused on getting the acceptance from my peers that I stopped, on that.

I lost a friend and gained nothing in return. I forgot the true value of friendship, and instead looked for the false value of fame.

That friend searched for me, but I ignored him. Searching for popularity. This is the start of something that later ended up with me and my best friends.

The last resort

So this takes place in two different times four years ago, my first year in 10th grade, and this year, my first year in college. In this case the tables had turned, I was somebody else’s last option, even though I always tried to be with those persons. I kinda deserved it, but it does feel horrible. Being somebody’s second option or last result, because they are so focused in other people that they can’t see you trying to reach them.

I finally learned what I did in each and every single relationship before that. I ignored people to get something that was impossible or not fulfilling and destroyed things that are actually valuable.

One of these persons ended up being one of my best friends, the other one I’m still looking out because one day he/she might notice what I was trying to do.

The lesson I learned is that, we as people try to get the impossible and we ignore what comes to us as a gift as a consequence of the events of our lives. It does much more harm than good, not only in my experience, but in other people’s experience. I was for 2 years a psychology assistant, and I treated with approx 15 kids in group therapies. And some of the kids did the same things, it is amazing that in these days children have to deal with this kind of problems. It is actually very alarming, out of the fifteen, five had this problems. A third of the society is afflicted with these problems, and nobody notices because it’s what people do.

I realized this a moth before becoming 20, and it marks things for life and in perspective. my relationship with my brothers isn’t as good as I want it to be, but it good and getting better. I lost a possible true friend and now, just now I discovered how being jealous and envious feels like. I’m still young and have the chance to improve, but let’s give the example and search for what brings us happiness and joy, but don’t leave the important things behind, like family and friends, these are invaluable and they also deserve a part of your attention and love.

Never forget some of the things that are searching and actively looking for our well being, don’t come from what we look for but from what we ignore.