One incident that hurt me deeply, yet made me what I am.
He was a rich brat. It was my mistake to have had a crush on him. I used to make opportunities to be with him. He was good-looking. But i felt an internal connection. He thought it was from the outside, just as other girls liked him.
He didn’t recognise me. I was different. I truly felt something from inside. He didn’t love me because i was not that good-looking, according to him. According to him, i was a fatty. Truly speaking, i was not. I was not poor either. He made me feel like i was nothing. He made fun of me in front of others. Silly me, i kept thinking that i was the better one in the group. I kept feeling strong that he makes fun of me and only “me”, until it was very late to let him take his words back.
I kept bearing things. In my own world, i believed that whatever hurts you makes you better. I took it on me. He also dint stop. It was his pass-time to make fun of others. It was his superiority complex. At the top of it, I also believed that he is a very nice guy at heart. That’s why he is so straight forward. Till date, I have got no proof of that.
The story went on for one year. We kept talking. It became to the point of entering into a minor relationship with him. He promised me no commitment. I felt that, he would eventually fall in love with me, because we are meant to be. Plus i am good for him, he would/should realize this. He promised me that he would not cheat me. I knew him better. I could predict his actions. I thought i would help him with my psychology skills to make him a successful person. As what he did was just spoil his time, meeting people, watching movies, going to parties etc. I hoped to bring a man in him.
The relationship brought more pain in it. He stopped calling me a fatty, but acted neutral. A girl like me, who craves for love, got nothing. Nothing at all. It was again a time-pass for him. Or a favour he was doing to me, since I accidentally asked him out. One day, i told him, that you should do this instead of that (on a very minor thing). He replied that he was still better than me.
This went on for a month. I started to call him to talk to him as texting him wasn’t enough. I wanted to know him. Wanted to know that whatever I have been thinking, is right or wrong. My intuition that he would love me, was correct or not. But he dint respond very well on the first day. And he told me, that he wouldn’t be able to talk to me over the phone much.
3 days later, i was missing him. So I again gave him a call. He literally shouted at me, saying: “how many times do I have to tell you not to call me”. I burst out crying. I immediately ended the relationship saying it was enough and however much I loved him, i couldn’t continue a relationship with him. He was perfectly fine by this. This proved he was doing a favor for me.
I believed in him internally. I, obviously, dint enter into a relationship again but, i couldn’t stop thinking about him or liking him.
I used to message him. He replied to me if he was free, otherwise skipped it. I could not stop. I just listened to my heart.
One day, i told him again, i loved him. I dint want any relationship, but the truth was the truth. He pacified me that it wasn’t what he felt. One day, after about 5 months, i met him to clarify things. he proved his point in his own silly way, which i haven’t understood till now. But there was a huge misunderstanding of what kind of girl he thought i was. He still holds that opinion, but I understood everything.
I was misunderstood. I was the one who suffered here. I was lost. I cried and cried and cried. I lost my identity. I lost in love. My intuition failed me. I had lost the faith in life.
But as they say, nothing is permanent except change. A sudden rush of energy arose within me. I got a sense of cheer from within. I got self-aware. I became stronger from inside. I lost all the extra pounds. I became “good-looking”.
Today, it’s been 2 years since all of this. And I realize that I have come a long way. I have moved on. Yet, some pieces of my heart are still broken. They just wait for a simple sorry.
I want nothing from him. I just want my lost self-respect. Or maybe not even that.
Just a closure. An ending. Maybe it will end on its own. The damage will permanently heal. I will get made again, completely and fully.