72 True Statements Regarding Lizards

  1. Lizards are not to be confused with cats, as lizards are actually reptiles while cats belong to the order Mammalia.

2. Lizards typically have 4 legs.

3. Lizards are not to be confused with dogs, as lizards are actually reptiles while dogs belong to the order Mammalia.

4. Lizards typically do not consume GMO’s or chicken that has taken antibiotics

(go lizards!).

5. Lizards typically live shorter lives then trees or humans or whales.

6. Although lizards have existed on the planet for millions of years, no lizard has openly held public office.

7. Lizards are not snakes with legs, but rather their own classification of animal.

8. The word for lizard is different in Spanish then it is in English.

9. The word for lizard is also different in Cantonese then it is in English.

10. According to Microsoft Word, the WingDings word for lizard is “Lizard”

11. Small children are often fascinated with lizards, while older people often do not spend that much energy thinking about lizards.

12. Lizards typically have two eyes.

13. If you encounter a lizard on the street, most scientists now recommend to do nothing; scientists have not actually come to a consensus on the best way to handle a street encounter with a lizard.

14. Lizards are not very commonly seen in Oymyakon, Russia, where winter temperatures can average -58 degrees Fahrenheit.

15. If a lizard was thrust into the vacuum of space, it would die.

16. Lizards typically live longer lives then the common housefly.

17. Lizards typically live longer lives then the common housefly(emphasis).

18. It is has been much speculated that if a lizard was to come into contact with a form of intelligent alien life, the result would be uncertain and difficult to surmise given the lack of information regarding the social graces of the lizard in complex interplanetary conferences.

19. Lizards do not typically consume the milk of mammals.

20. If a lizard was tasked with the duty of completing a set of laundry, the lizard would most certainly fail, which would probably embarrass the human witness more then the lizard.

21. Lizards do not have fur.

22. Lizards do not have hair.

23. When fact checking True Statement #21 Regarding lizards, I was routed to a furry website, which was more pornographic then informational (lizards do not have fur).

24. Lizards do not have preference in social media: they consume Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Vine all in equal amounts typical to lizards.

25. Not all lizards are Green! (check True Statements Regarding Lizards #26-#30).

26. There are blue lizards.

27. There are red lizards.

28. There are yellow lizards.

29. There are blue lizards.

30. There are turquoise lizards.

31. If a lizard falls off of a very tall building, it will most likely die.

32. While conspiracies are abundant, it is generally accepted that most lizards have no ill will towards the human race, mostly due to the large discrepancy in intelligence from lizards to humans.

33. As of November 21st, 2016, no lizards have been found yet with the ability to create snow spontaneously.

34. Lizards are not to be confused with cattle or goats; they are separate creatures. (correct planet though!).

35. No lizard has ever read Finnegan’s Wake, nor has any lizard even read Dubliners!

36. If you switched the brain of a human with the brain of a lizard, the human would probably be startled to find himself in control of a lizard, while the lizard would probably be indifferent considering there is serious questions regarding the capacity of a lizard to be self-aware.

37. Lizards have been known to live in the wild.

38. If a lizard climbed a really tall tree and fell off, it might get hurt, just like a human!

39. Lizards are not known to outwardly demand respect from humans, but certainly appreciate a kind gesture.

40. In moments of crisis, lizards occasionally die due to injuries.

41. The mascot of the 2000 Paralympics was “Lizzie” The Frill Necked Lizard, which is actually a misnomer, as “Lizzie” was actually a human wearing a costume to resemble a Frill Necked Lizard. (Liars)

42. Lizards don’t typically define their feminism or critiques of race as “intersectional”, but rather they

43. Lizards are known to be cheeky creatures.

44. If a lizard was to come into possession of a gram of silver, it might mistakenly exchange it for a gram of grasshoppers, not understanding the imbued extra-caloric value of the gram of silver. Silly lizard!

45. If a lizard lies on a bed of sand, it does not immediately warrant a change of the classification of said lizard into a “sandy lizard”. The process of naming lizards is much more nuanced and careful.

46. A lizard ceases to be a lizard if it is burned into ash.

47. When a lizard comes into contact with a rock, it typically does not pay much attention to the rock.

48. Fruit roll-ups are outside the typical diet of the lizard.

49. If you google lizards.com, it will reroute you to the linkedin profile of John E. Deneen, an “Online Strategist & Domain Name Investor” from the “Greater Philidelphia Area”.

50. Lizards have been known to sleep outdoors, unless inside a house.

51. Lizards also sleep inside apartments. (sorry)

52. John E. Deneen of lizards.com attended Villanova University School of Law.

53. Lizards don’t normally wear makeup at any point of their lives.

54. See-lee lizz-ardzz is the pronunciation of “silly lizards” with a Jamaican Patois.

55. The average lizard is very unhappy, but appears to be happy. Very tricky

56. If a lizard is thrown into a pool, it will drown, unless it knows how to swim.

57. The Mandarin phrase for lizard is “ni hao”.

58. True Statement #58 Regarding Lizards is brought to you by Tide™(STYLE IS AN OPTION, CLEAN IS NOT).

59. If a lizard experiences the thrill of finding love in the midst of hopeless abandon, it will often squalor it and neglect it and rather spend its energy hunting for insects to eat.

60. There are no lizards in [redacted].

61. If a lizard is asked about the state of affairs in the realm of lizard politics, it will not often respond at all. Lizards are secretive about politics.

62. Lizards typically have four legs.

63. Lizards have been known to wax poetic about the state of literature in a “post-novel world”, but often fail to recognize the changing face of media with the advent of the internet.

64. If a lizard wrote these words, they would not be recognizable, because they would be written in lizardese, the language of the lizards.

65. When a lizard cry’s, it often runs away so the other lizards don’t think the lizard is being a big baby lizard.

66. Lizards have been known to be shrewd day traders by some.

67. If a lizard drinks from a cup of water, it will become marginally more hydrated, depending on the amount of water the lizard consumed.

68. Lizards often prefer being outside more then being inside.

69. No lizard yet has successfully revitalized the art scene in New York since gentrification priced out the creatives from Manhattan.

70. Lizards manage to be both nimble and gentle yet unafraid of cruelty when necessity arises.

71. The lizard can survive without its head in space for 10 days.

72. If you encounter a lizard today, be nice! Lizards often respond to kindness with reciprocity, occasionally even bearing gifts of wealth and distinction.