This App Makes It Easy to Reinvest Your Inherited Trauma

Did the holidays help you see your family in a new light? Wondering how knowing that your uncle was molested by his neighbor and your “absentee” father was murdered by your own mother after he hit on her one too many times will ever benefit you? Like your thirty-year-old cousin who’s already filed for bankruptcy twice always advises you, a savings account is a wise investment. Twitter’s kind of like a savings account. For your trauma.

As users such as myself have been noticing as the social media app creeps up on its twelfth birthday, Twitter responds best to traumatizing experiences handled humorously (read: half-assedly).

In the above example, you see that the return on your investment will see the same minimal returns as you would with that savings account your cousin has barely maintained the minimum balance of since opening it after falling for his first debt relief scam. Of course, not every tweet goes viral, just like all the stocks in your Acorns portfolio never reach Bitcoin highs. But sometimes, in the rare cases where you’re consistently funny because you’ve been going to therapy regularly again, tweet your way to a verified check and a biweekly buy-one-get-one Arby’s coupon.

This year, remember that it takes pressure to make a diamond. In the words of your aunt who overdosed on crack the evening of your thirteenth birthday, “Don’t be a hard rock when you really are a gem.”

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