Dear Eric — Part 2

Dear Eric,

What we had was special to me, when it was happening. I thought you loved me as much as I loved you. On the outside, it seemed your behavior reinforced this idea of who I thought you were. I’m sure you did have feelings for me that went beyond infatuation but you never really proved them. I thought we wanted the same things. You always say you did, but it turns out you didn’t. Much like the letter I wrote you about how I wanted to move forward in our relationship after you admitted to “having a crush” on another person, this letter will serve the function of letting you know I don’t want you back. Even if my heart misses you terribly, it’s just not going to happen. Not now and not ever. The reasons follow…

You can toss this letter now, or — if you really do want to change and grow up — read on.

You are lazy.

This is a general, all-encompassing statement that is the heart of your problem. You are most comfortable doing absolutely nothing. Sure, you have hobbies. But they lead to nothing. Your music, your job, your cleaning habits, your efforts... all of them say, “I’m a lazy asshole that has no desire to better myself.” In the last two years, the only things you’ve been passionate about are bowling (and you’re mediocre), music (and you’re mediocre), smoking pot, and this other girl. If you wonder why you’re getting nowhere fast in life, just open your fucking eyes and read some articles about being a functioning member of society.

You live in the past.

Let’s break this down: there’s nostalgia, the perfectly normal act of reminiscing about the “good old days,” and then there’s you. Everybody has fun past times that they love talking about with their friends. The stories, the trips, the jokes, etc. It’s a nice way to shoot the shit when you haven’t seen someone for an extended period of time and the old memories come to the surface for a while. You — on the other hand — speak so often of the past that it gives the impression you would rather live there. I know I’m guilty of living in the past on occasion, but it’s mostly because issues were left unresolved and those instances without closure effect my current situations. Just like your mom, you can’t let anything go. Several things that jump to mind when you get on a past tangent: parties at your old house, the construction job at the Staples Center, the Honda, stories about Tory, stories about Madeline, stories about Las Vegas, the list goes on. I feel like you haven’t even really lived. Your world circumference is small. And frankly, I was bored listening to you go on and on about the same things over and over again. It’s as if your life was so much better before me. It’s no wonder I was constantly in my head. You need to let go of as much as I do, and it really ticked me off that you would act all in-the-now-wannabe-Buddhist but constantly bring up the past and how great things used to be for you. I got news for you, there’s nothing in the past for you and you’re only getting older.

You never tried to get a better job.

I don’t know if it was due to fear or straight up laziness. You have a near minimum wage job at as a cashier for a movie theater. You’re not even an assistant manager anymore. I can’t count on you to pick yourself up if you ever get laid off. I know I can bounce back and I’m not willing to support some lazy unmotivated guy for the rest of my life.

You half-assed school.

And education could’ve helped you grow and realize your full potential. You took one course last semester. You didn’t even try. You cried about going back to college and then didn’t even push yourself. It was a serious disappointment.

You let your friends take advantage of you and — by proxy — me.

I shudder to think of what you let your friends say about me when I’m not around. It’s not like it matters what they think, anyway. Aside from the mega asshole, Todd (who is socially on track, but emotionally a hot mess), and Paul’s friends (we know the distinction), they’re all a bunch of losers. So, fuck it. You’re a bitch to them. The only one lower on the totem pole — than you — is Marcus. And that’s not saying much. Eric, at least he’s taking school seriously.

Your exes.

You had to meet my ex, what, one time? I tried to be so cool with your exes. Meanwhile, you’re entertained by the fact that they both still wanted you back. You’re a selfish asshole for not ending it with them. Which is why you won’t get me back. I don’t play that shit.

You have a fucking pattern.

Here’s your pattern: You get a girlfriend, you’re with her for four years, then she dumps you. But, with the case of Maddy, you were still stringing her along when we started dating. You liked the idea of having her as a safety net in case things with me didn’t work out. I’m now pretty convinced you were lying to me about how all of that went down. Everyone thought you two were still together. The only one who told me otherwise was you. And the way she acted, when you finally cut ties with her (after I had to ask you to), was like she was freshly dumped. So, I take back what I said that night, you are a fucking asshole. And then you did the same shit to me. You got involved with some girl online. If we didn’t have that fight, I would’ve still been sharing you with someone else, dick. Stop being a relationship overlapper and make a fucking decision for once in your life.

Your parents are a fucking mess.

They are doormats. You are a doormat. I don’t want to be your doormat anymore. You’re a bunch of selfish pushovers with no concept of personal responsibility. Except for Paul and Helen. They got out of that house when they had the chance and grew up. You should’ve done the same thing, but you were too busy being a pussy.

You’re not a man. And I need a man.

Your external kindness prevents people from getting mad at you and helps you avoid confrontation. Well, I’m fucking mad.


Last, but certainly not least: YOU FUCKING CHEATED ON ME!!

What the fuck was running through your mind? For four months, you developed a relationship with a person that wasn’t me. You spent that time telling me how much you wanted to be with me, but you weren’t sure how to grow-the-fuck-up and get on my level. I had to deal with all your sad-sap bullshit while this other girl got to experience the best parts of you. And even when I gave you the benefit of the doubt, and even though I knew you had a pattern of this type of behavior, I thought you were actually confused. But no, while I was trying to understand you better, you were inventing things to drive us apart. You were making excuses and lying to my face. Well — if you’ve made it to this point in the letter — you’re currently aware of what I put up with and that the chances of a person like me taking back a loser guy, that she can’t even trust, like you, are slim-to-fucking-none.

You seriously took her out with a gift card that I paid for? You’re a fucking piece of work.

You were sweet, Eric. But, you didn’t deserve me and if you think she’s better than me…you’re dumber than a pile of hair.

You can say you’ll change until you’re blue in the face. But, I can’t believe you anymore. If you couldn’t change — at all — in the four years we were together, than how can I expect you to change now that you’re older and more set in your ways?

You don’t know what love is and I feel bad for you. You can say you love someone all day long, but that doesn’t make it real. Real love is what I had for you and includes things like: building up your confidence, doing things to make you happy, including you in everything, planning a future with you, helping you pay for things you needed, trying to help you with your family troubles, driving out to see you all the time, cleaning your room, sacrificing gluten, forgiving you for being confused, and loving you unconditionally…even when you were a fucking around with another girl. I thought you wanted to change but didn’t know how. Now, I know you don’t give a shit and you’ll be repeating the same behavior until you get some poor girl pregnant or something.

I wanted the best for you. You didn’t. After four years you actually regressed as a human being. It’s funny, I remember you said that you wanted to “help herand “protect her.” How the fuck are you going to do that when you can’t even help yourself? You tried to do that for me, when I was broken. But, I’m not a loser and I didn’t stay down. When I started growing beyond you, you gave up on me and went looking for someone beneath you to feel like a man again.

I didn’t think you were a loser until you lost me. You threw away the best thing you had, and I can’t be with a guy that senseless.

I imagine you said so many nice things to me when we broke up because you really cared about me. However, now I feel you said all those nice things so you would still have the option to come back.

Try another ex, Eric. Cause this one ain’t taking your bullshit anymore.


P.S. I faked most of my orgasms.

Thank you for your minutes.