Will You Have a Last Fuckable Day?

Have you seen the hilarious Amy Schumer sketch called Last Fuckable Day? If you haven’t, google it. If you’re of a certain age, you will understand why. Basically, it’s comedic sketch about older women in Hollywood having one “last fuckable day” after which they will no longer be believably fuckable. It’s basically making fun of the very serious problem of ageism in Hollywood. Look, I know this is a big deal in Hollywood and I feel for actresses, really. But it got me wondering about us (me): Do we normal, non-actress women have a last fuckable day too?

With my birthday approaching, this question was one I wanted to answer for personal reasons. Is there an invisible line where on one side we still have it going on, and then turn a certain age (what age I don’t know, I’m sure it’s different for everyone), and at at the stroke of midnight, we turn into unfuckable pumpkins? Will men — husbands, boyfriends, friends with benefits, tinder matches — all of a sudden look at us and say, “um, no thanks,” and move on to a younger pussy cat?

We all worry that our spouses may one day leave us for a younger women. But the though of being completely unfuckable to anyone is mortifying. This is worse, this is about being rejected sexually, like being put out to sexual pasture.

Worried and well, worried, I took this question to the only expert I know on my fuckability…my husband. I point blank asked him, “Do you think I’ll ever have a last fuckable day? He paused, looked at me like he always does when I ask or say something really weird, and then said, “No, baby, I think you’ll always be fuckable.

This guy is a keeper. But he’s also been well trained, like a puppy.

He then added, “Anyway, if you ever become unfuckable, I’ll probably be there right along with you, so it won’t be a problem. We’ll be unfuckable together.

But you see, there is a problem, because according to the sketch, and probably to real life, men don’t ever become unfuckable. Look at Sean Connery. He’s very fuckable. And so is Robert Redford. And hello? Tom Selek is still very, very fuckable. Yes, yes I know, they’re actors, and good looking ones at that, but are actresses or women that same age considered fuckable (except maybe Susan Sarandon, who is solely holding down that fort?) No they are not. It’s the same in real life.

So what do we do about it? According to my husband, we should have lots of sex now, so if we do ever become unfuckable, we’ll have it all out of our system. He’s such a man.

But seriously, what do we do?

This is my take. I think that as long as we continue to take care of ourselves and look the best we can at any age, there will always be someone who is attracted to that; to the fact that we love and respect ourselves enough to want to present the best version of ourselves.

It’s not vanity, it’s self respect. It’s not ego, it’s confidence.

There’s power in working hard to maintain your looks, because at a certain age, looks are no longer guaranteed, they’re earned. It takes hard work plain and simple. And it’s empowering. That empowerment translates to confidence, which at any age is sexy as hell. Men are attracted to confident women, and therefore we will remain forever fuckable.That’s my theory and I’m sticking to it.

The point is this: It’s up to us to remain fuckable. And wait, before you call in the feminism police, let me explain: I don’t think we should remain a certain way in order to be found attractive (or fuckable) by someone else. We should never give up that kind of power.

Look at it this way, if you stop taking care of yourself when you reach a certain age because you think your fuckable ship has sailed, guess what? It will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. And it won’t be because you’re older, or not in as good shape as you used to be; it will be because you let yourself go. Letting yourself go will make you feel like crap — on the inside — where your confidence lives. You will carry yourself differently.

I’m here to remind you that your f-ship is still at harbor. But it’s up to you to keep it there. You have to do the things that keep you looking hot, which will, in turn, make you feel hot. It’s philosophical…

“I think I’m fuckable, therefore I am fuckable.”

Our vaginas don’t have a shelf life….I researched it. And we don’t have to either. So I think we should kick this ageism thing on its ass. I don’t know about Hollywood, and if they will ever give an older woman the “sexy” part. But in the real world we don’t have to let a big shot producer — or any man for that matter — determine whether or not we are fuckable. It’s up to us to declare that we most definitely are.

Having said that though, if you’re on the “I don’t care if I ever have sex again,” camp, and you’re glad to finally relax, chug ice cream directly from the container, like Julia Louis Dryfuss did in the sketch, then like I always say, you do you. There may come a time when I may feel that way, who knows. For now, I like working hard to stay fuckable.

Do you think we a have a last fuckable day? And how many times can I write fuckable in one post? Sorry, I thought about changing it so I wouldn’t offend anyone, but it wouldn’t have had the same impact. Don’t you think?

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