“iPhone” and Two Other Stories about Depression
Karen Hao

You captured my own feelings of depression very well. I am so sick of it. Will it ever end or is it really just an intrinsic part of my personality? It starts to feel that way once it has been going on for a long time.

I feel boxed in. I often feel tired of life and wonder why it is even worth living. But I feel obliged to keep going because I have a wife and two small children. The thought of them losing their father crushes me and terrifies me. I have to be there for them, but I really wish I could leave everything behind for a while. Travel, do something else, see if I could get my head in the right place. But I am stuck. I got to be here to work, make money and provide for the family.

I feel so utterly lost because I find pleasure in almost nothing anymore. Programming used to be my passion and that is my job, but it gives me no joy anymore. I frankly prefer watching paint dry over writing code a lot of the time.

How does one break out of a circle like this? I want to do something completely different but programming is what I am good at and which lots of people will hire me for. I pays very well and I can’t afford to make less. My wife doesn’t make a lot and we got a house and bills to pay. Trying something new seems like a catastrophy in the making. What if I hate it? I will have wasted precious time and money I don’t have.

Do anyone have advice on how to deal with this stuff? Most of all I wish I had somebody else to talk to. Somebody who knew what it was like and who have constructive ideas. I’ve tried going to shrinks but so far they’ve just come across as either useless, ignorant or having plain nutty ideas.