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Hello, Sally. Thanks for coming over to discuss why you broke up with me for being “unforgivably gross.”

Oh, that? That’s a water bottle filled with my own piss. Just ignore it. Seriously, give it back. It’s part of a collection I’m working on. It’s going to spill if we keep fighting over it.

Great.

I invited you over to speak on the plethora of hygiene issues you claim I have, not argue about who spilled whose piss on whose shirt.

I know you’re mad. But please put down the hockey stick I won from bodog.eu …


shorturl.at/btLT9

The race between Tortoise and Hare was big news in Forest. Deer, Owl and Fox all came to watch, but no one could decide if Starting Gun was a good idea.

“You can’t have Race without Starting Gun,” said Fox, waving it in the air. “No one dies from Starting Gun. Hunting Gun on the other hand…”

“Gun is dangerous,” interrupted Owl, “and we should be scared of it.”

Deer hadn’t said a word this whole time, knowing better than to condescend someone waving Starting Gun around. Besides, much of Deer’s family had died from Gun and Deer didn’t want…


Photo by Craig Renaud

I’m eight years old. Dad’s driving the family to Prince Edward Island. He says we should play the silent game, but I don’t want to. I say we should play the loud game, but Dad doesn’t want to. I’m so bored from no games, I decide to make a prank.

I pick up a crayon and a piece of paper and write “hElp!” on it. I hold it against the back window. It would be funny if someone thought I was being kidnapped.

As cars drive by, I point to my sign and make like my mouth is going “ahhhh!”…


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My friend Samantha says Chris is my perfect match. Apparently we’re both “horse people” because we like all the same horse stuff: War Horse, Seabiscuit (the book), The Kentucky Derby, The Denver Broncos, galloping around our apartments, Ralph Lauren.

As I wait for him at the bar, I order two beers and explain the plot of Secretariat to a woman three seats away from me. “It’s about a horse,” I say. When I get to the part where Secretariat wins, the door opens and I hear like, at least four high-heeled shoes step onto the tiled floor. It sounds like…

Jack Power

Really good comedian

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