This lovingly draining day
Are contrasts and ambiguity a part of heaven or hell?
Today I experienced the most dreadful, draining, deepest sorrow and I wept desperately.
I might have been close to this when I was left by a man I was deeply in love with a long time ago. Otherwise, no. I had no idea it was possible to feel this way.
What made me amazed though, is that at the same time, I felt happier than ever. In that very moment. It was such a relief. The sadness came from the bottom of my very soul. It paralysed me.
It was out of desperation and despair. I did not know how to handle the very earthy situation when I was taken hostage by my son who suffers from anxiety, and work. I needed to go to a meeting. But my son needed me more.
I did not know the answer to the question how to handle him. How could I help him? Was it through speaking to him about how to think about life, or to force him to go to school, or to leave him to make his own journey, that I would help him most?
Why did I take it on me, as my responsability, to fix him?
My soul answered to all my questions by that sprouling, deep, cry. My son hugged me. We talked. Listen to his song that came to me the day before he was born. We talked about the burden I have put on him since then to rescue me. I released him from that.
I left him. Went to work.
When I came home he met me with a hug. First time in many years he did that. He was clearly so much lighter. His body looked strong again, and his head was lifted. I saw him smile an honest smile.
As I still felt so drained from the experience earlier today I could just take it all in and just feel the true love sink in and spread. I feel so extremely greatful that my soul showed me the way and gave me this experience today.
Tomorrow is a new adventure.