
One White Guy’s Journey to “Woke”
The journey I’m going to share with you didn’t happen overnight. This journey is nearly 35 years (next month) in the making.
However, the last year was the most transformative for me. In the last year, I‘ve learned how to ask questions. I learned how to listen, to hear, and to make space.
By learning and practicing these skills, I began learning from others’ stories and experiences that I might not have heard otherwise, and I have a small class of remarkable, aspiring professional coaches to thank for it.
I don’t begin to think I have any of this figured out. I only have my experience of it, and what it means to me to think, feel, and act differently — as the man I want to be.
More Than What You See
It all came to a head for me when I started exploring a new part-time position at work. After several months of deliberation, I had decided that I no longer wanted to be an engineer — I was OK with never walking into a data center again. For me, this was a big deal. Outside of my 10 years in the Army, this was all I’ve ever done. But, I was ready to try something new that aligned with my strengths.
Once I started this new role, it didn’t take long for me to realize that I wasn’t going to be seen as anything but an Engineer by Senior Managers and Directors in my business unit. Before long, I found myself being actively excluded from email conversations and meetings.
One Employee Engagement Manager actually went so far as to check my utilization so that she could argue against my participation in this part-time role behind my back — even though I was cleared through my Manager months before (not exactly the employee engagement experience I had in mind!).
Though my frustration was real, what became most disappointing for me was the realization that here I was, a straight, white male — having a hell of a time getting anyone to see past the label of “Engineer”. I couldn’t help but wonder, “Who else in this company is working unseen behind a label they didn’t choose?
What’s the cost to the company? What’s the cost to that life?
Thinking Differently
“We are here to awaken from the illusion of our separateness.”
— Thich Naht Hanh
Becoming “woke” is as much about seeing the world differently as it is about seeing yourself differently. With new self-awareness, comes new options.
Options give you more choices with which to navigate the world — responses, interactions, and conversations. With more choices available, the more you’re able to influence more control over your life. The more control you have in how you respond, interact, and communicate, the more you’re able to master your emotions during those times and how you choose to lead others.
So, for those of you that think self-awareness is something that doesn’t apply to your work, think again.
Self-awareness is actually about self-mastery and building your capacity to lead others.
Self-Awareness
- I recognized the privilege I have. Some of you may not think it’s there, but believe me — it is. Even now, so much is still unknown to me.
- I recognized the conscious and unconscious bias I carry today. How it’s shaped my decisions and how it continues to shape my decisions. It’s something that’s managed, not extinguished.
- I recognized who is important to me — and it includes people I may never meet. Take a minute to think of the people important to you in your life. Your parents. Your siblings. Your children. Your grandchildren. Your closest friends. What kind of life do you want for them? What are you willing to do to ensure that life is possible?
Awareness of Others
- I recognized the edges of privilege.
- I recognized who is included and excluded.
- I recognized their intersectionality.
- I recognized those who may be important to them.
- I recognized that just as I want a better life for people close to me, they want that for people close to them as well.
- I recognized that just as I’m willing to ensure that life becomes possible, they are as well — only they have to do MORE to realize it.
Feeling Differently
“…the problem with stereotypes is not that they aren’t true, but that they are incomplete.”
— Chimamanda Adichi
Where self-awareness is about self-mastery, self-compassion is about building your capacity for empathy towards yourself and others.
It’s about being able to be OK with yourself after hitting the ground when you took that leap.
It’s about not being too hard on yourself when you make a mistake.
It’s about starting from a place that assumes others are doing their best.
The more you’re able to show yourself compassion, the more compassion you’ll have available for others when they need it, and the more you’ll be able to give.
We’ve all been part of teams where either the leader or an influential team member lacked compassion. You’ll probably also remember how much that sucked and how little everyone was able to accomplish.
You may think that you don’t have to do this, but look at any high-performing team and you’ll find people care about one another. Whether that’s a 12-person Special Forces team, or a 12-person little league baseball team, (I’m very familiar with both) compassion is a necessary ingredient in both.
Self-Compassion
- I recognized that I’m not at fault for the way things are.
- I recognized that I’m not at fault for not knowing the way things are before now.
- I recognized that knowing what I now know today, I’m responsible for my thoughts, ideas, beliefs, feelings, and behavior from this day forward. I asked myself, “What will I do with it?”
Compassion for Others
- I recognized that the privileges that exist are based on things no one on this earth has had a say in — what day they were born, to whom, or into what culture.
- I recognized that stereotypes exist to make our lives safer and easier to process, but at the cost of being less complete, fulfilling and meaningful.
- I recognized that because of these two things, others in this world are marginalized and disadvantaged. Where white men are assumed to have certain qualities, skills, or abilities, others must prove them over and over — just for the equitable chance to be recognized for having them in the first place.
- I recognized the current limits of my best self. I asked, “Who is my best self? Who deserves my best self? Who actually sees my best self? Whom do I want to see my best self?
- I recognized that more people deserved my best than I have allowed and that my own bias has kept others from experiencing and benefiting from the best version of me I can bring.
Acting Differently
“We are privileged, and the duty of privilege is absolute integrity.”
— John O’Donohue.
It’s not enough to think differently or feel differently. Our integrity compels us to act differently. To make the invisible — our thoughts and feelings — visible.
To have the courage to see and be seen — to have the courage to be vulnerable.
To be who you are, wherever you are, and welcoming of others the same.
- I recognized that I’m not where I once was when I started this journey. I wondered why how something that seems so completely obvious today could be so overlooked.
- I recognized that my life will never be the same. That I may not talk to the same people, I may unfriend lifelong friends, disconnect from family members and avoid association with coworkers — all who may be racist, sexist, ageist, or that may hold a closed mind to the idea that anyone different from them is anything less than valuable.
- I recognized that being “woke” isn’t a destination — it’s a continuous unfolding of my truth. And I’ve just begun. I still have a lot to see, hear, learn, and do. No one has ever given anyone a high-five for waking up in the morning. Remember — you haven’t done anything yet. The entire day is ahead of you. The same goes for being “woke”. This is only the beginning for us.
- I recognized that I’m not an ally of a marginalized group until someone from that group says I am. It doesn’t matter what I think and feel. The only thing that matters is the positive impact another feels as a result of our actions.
- I recognized that I may be just one person, but my life is one that is overflowing with conversations. These connections, these “micro-opportunities” are there for me to construct the future I want to see realized. Nothing changes without a conversation between two or more people — nothing. Create the conversation necessary to build the life you want for yourself, your family, for others, and for the countless members of generations, you’ll never meet.
- I recognized that I’m a steward of this world — at work, at home, online, at a coffee shop, a ball game — everywhere. There’s no one else among us to account for this role. As a steward of this world, I’m a protector of human dignity. I’m a protector of life. Wherever you go, be ready to defend another with your shield. Speak up. Step up. Defend the dignity of another like you would defend your own.
- I recognized that the quality of the conversation we have today determines the quality of the platform from which we may begin a new conversation tomorrow.
What new conversation will you make possible?
— Tim
