Notes from my Journal | May 21, 2015

As I write this I am sitting in a state where my whole body feels tired and weak. I woke up today in no mood to accomplish even the smallest task of my daily routines. I skipped reading Bible in the morning. I stayed home opting for “Work from Home” option. You should understand that I hate the term “Work from Home”. I see many people enjoy working from home option. Mainly because there is no need to worry about their outfits, they don’t need to travel, they don’t need to get stuck in traffic, they don’t need to exchange pleasantries, they don’t need to meet people face to face in real.

To me all the above things are essential. I think it’s not just about the work. It is about the preparations involved for the work and about how you present yourself along with the work.

But I am feeling too restless today. I am hit by a storm called emptiness. Every day I dream of becoming a mainstream film maker. The preparations involved considering my dependencies and lifestyle are huge and I am making some progress every other day. There are days I feel that I am going nowhere and today is one such day. There is so much emptiness surrounding me. Emptiness flows like a river in my current IT job, in my film making dreams, in my imaginations about the past, present and future, in the daily conversations with my father and above all in the conversations with myself.

There are two stages of emptiness according to me. You feel empty within yourself first and you feel empty about the way you see the whole world. There could be nothing that looks exciting or that can hold your attention. Will birds feel empty ? Will dogs feel empty ? Why human beings are created this way ? To enjoy or to suffer or to live in paradox ?

I don’t have an answer now. I am trying to explore the reasons of emptiness in life as much as I try to explore the purpose of life.

I recollect these lines from Bible written by King Solomon

“Meaningless! Meaningless!”
says the Teacher.
“Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless.”
What do people gain from all their labors at which they toil under the sun? Generations come and generations go, but the earth remains forever.
The sun rises and the sun sets, and hurries back to where it rises.
The wind blows to the south and turns to the north;
round and round it goes, ever returning on its course.
All streams flow into the sea, yet the sea is never full.
To the place the streams come from, there they return again.
All things are wearisome, more than one can say.
The eye never has enough of seeing, nor the ear its fill of hearing.
What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun.
Is there anything of which one can say, “Look! This is something new”?
It was here already, long ago; it was here before our time.
No one remembers the former generations, and even those yet to come
will not be remembered by those who follow them.
For with much wisdom comes much sorrow;
the more knowledge, the more grief.
The fate of the fool will overtake me also. What then do I gain by being wise?”
I said to myself,
“This too is meaningless.”
For the wise, like the fool, will not be long remembered; the days have already come when both have been forgotten.
Like the fool, the wise too must die!