Real Life Beauty Secrets

An homage to the NYTimes Fashion & Style section

This is a post in response to the articles like this one that I keep reading in the NYTimes that make me chuckle immensely.

The writer Kat Cox works 40 or so hours a week doing marketing for an IT company, and then runs a kickball league and a dodgeballaoke league. Born in Albuquerque, New Mexico, and educated on the east coast, she currently inhabits her hometown as a pretty nameless nobody who basically lives just like any other person in the U.S. Her skincare routine, like the rest of her life, is somewhat chaotic, exasperated, and usually inexpensive.

SKIN CARE

I feel like I’ve spent most of my life desperately trying to fix skin problems that are probably genetic. Since I can’t afford DNA or laser therapies, I usually just try whatever is at the drugstore and has one of those stickers proclaiming it “Voted Allure’s Best Beauty Buy 2012” slapped on it. Since I quit taking hormonal birth control, my skin has become a landmine of cystic acne and unearthable whiteheads, and I’m pretty sure there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

Over the years, I’ve used Neutrogena Deep Clean, Neutrogena Deep Oil Free Acne Wash in Grapefruit, and, most recently Cetaphil. I try to stick with the Cetaphil Gentle Cleanser, which can be used kind of like a cold cream, but sometimes I accidentally buy the Cetaphil Daily Facial Cleanser, which is a bit more drying, because they’re in the exact same fucking packaging, and usually when I’m buying face wash, I’m running to the Walgreens between work and a kickball game and I don’t have time to read labels. The Daily Facial Cleanser actually removes my waterproof mascara (another mistaken purchase made from not having time to read the label) better than the Gentle Cleanser, so that’s okay. More recently I tried to get fancy and I bought some of Make’s Cleansing Make Up Remover. It’s pretty rich, and makes me feel rich for a minute when I’m buying it, because it costs 4x what the Cetaphil costs.

I usually slather on whatever I’m going to use on my face as early in the shower as possible, imagining that it’s doing magic while I shampoo and wash up, fantasizing that the steam is opening up my pores and releasing toxins. I use these little soap bars my mom bought me for Christmas a few years ago. They have little exfoliating granules in them, and they last about five uses before I have to grab another one. They’re peppermint scented. When I run out of those I’ll probably use whatever brand my boyfriend has picked up in bulk at Costco (Dove, I think, has been his most recent foray into the soap world). Sometimes I use these scrubby gloves and the Bath & Body Works shower gel that my last roommate left behind when she moved out. That’s a special day, usually when I need to shave. Usually for shaving I use whatever leftover conditioner I have in the shower.

When I remember to do it, I use the Aveda Botanical Kinetics Exfoliant my mom got me a few years ago on a cotton pad on my face and bikini area (hoping it’ll clear up those ingrown hairs down there; I don’t think it does anything, really, but it smells like trees). For facial moisturizer I’ve typically used the Neutrogena Oil Free Moisturizer SPF 15 for Combination Skin. I’ve also tried to round out the Make lineup with their AM/PM Moisturizing Cream, which is light and nice. I put on their Face Primer for some SPF 30 coverage, and let that soak in while I slather the Cetaphil Moisturizing Lotion on the rest of my body.

I also have some Mary Kay eye cream I remember to put on before bed sometimes. And also this Egyptian Magic crap that I read about on Birchbox.com that I saw at Costco for what I thought was a pretty reasonable price. It’s basically solidified olive oil with beeswax, so it smells funny, but I like to use it as a before-bed hand moisturizer/cuticle oil. I also use it under my eyes sometimes, or on my cheeks to add a bit of shine. And when I have too much on my hands I’ll rub it into the ends of my hair. Also, I put it on my just-shaven legs to handle razor burn/shine.

HAIR

Just like with my skin care regime, I’ve been jumping from hair care brand to hair care brand for years, trying to find the right combination of cleansing for my greasy scalp and moisturizing for my dry ends. I tend to blow dry my hair every day, so the split ends get out of control pretty quickly. I also just got a haircut that has allowed my hair to realize it’s full curl potential for the first time in my life, so I’ve tried to find products that enhance that as well. I’ve tried Wen by Chaz Dean, which smelled great but made me break out because it was so greasy; it’s also a scheme where they have you sign up to receive a three-month supply every six weeks and they charge your credit card a ton of money, so I quit that pretty quickly. I still use their Anti-Frizz Styling Cream because such a huge bottle came with the first set I bought. There’s also a serum that I sometimes put on sparingly if I’m going to straighten my hair. I’ve used the Be Curly line from Aveda, which is a bit too moisturizing for me. Most recently I’ve settled on the Volumizing shampoo and conditioner, which smells like Aveda’s signature tree scent, and I put a bit of their Dry Treatment oil on the ends. Works like a charm.

TREATMENTS

Sometimes I use a salycylic acid treatment, usually Neutrogena On the Spot Acne Treatment, but I think that makes me break out more. I read about dissolving aspirin in water to make a paste and adding honey to make a masque, so I’ve tried that a few times, but usually it’s too watery and doesn’t feel particularly helpful, probably because I bought coated instead of uncoated aspirin at the dollar store (labels, reading), but whatever. When I’m feeling particularly full of vim and vinegar, I use the coffee grounds out of my coffee maker and slather those on my face to let some of the caffeine soak in and perk up my face (or so I imagine). It’s mad exfoliating, too. And probably clogging the drain in my shower. I put the stuff on my face over the kitchen sink to keep from getting coffee grounds everywhere. I also have to remember to take my pajamas off first, or else there’s no way to take ‘em off before the shower without getting coffee grounds all over everything.

My boyfriend’s cousin, who is from Taiwan, gave me a facial product that is basically a paper masque in an individual package soaked in some chemicals that you put on your face, I think overnight. It covers your eyes. It’s terrifying. I can’t really read the label because it’s written in Chinese, and so I just guess based on pictures at what I’m supposed to do with it. The small amount of English that is on the labeling says something like “human regrowth hormones”, so I’m assuming 1. this stuff is probably illegal in the US, and, 2. there are probably stem cells involved somewhere. Anyway, I’m not sure if it does anything but I have one left so I’m saving it for a special occasion.

I have had exactly five facials in my life, all done by different aestheticians at wildly different spas. My fantasy is that they’ll extract every single impure blemish from my face, leaving me absolutely smooth and perfect. Usually they don’t extract anything, and I feel like I just paid money to have someone else wash my face. And then I break out. But I keep trying, hoping.

On my own I use Aveda’s Deep Cleansing masque, which, like the acne treatments, tends to just bring all the crap that’s hiding in my skin up to the surface to erupt in red ugliness.

MAKEUP

Ever since my friend from college helped launch this women’s cooperative movement out of Brooklyn called We See Beauty, I’ve been trying to buy their makeup and skincare line, which I mentioned before, called Make. There aren’t any upper end department stores in Albuquerque that sell it, so I have to special order and have it shipped. This means I never really know what the colors are going to look like on my face until I get them, so it’s a lot of fun.

Currently I’m using their primer, then a Garnier under eye lightener thing with a rollerball that probably doesn’t reduce puffiness, but it covers up the black circles okay. Then I apply a Garnier BB Cream that was the only BB Cream listed in some magazine’s “best of” list that could be both purchased at a drug store and obtained for less than $100. Then I swipe on a bronzer that came in a Bare Minerals purchase a few years ago (the lid is busted so I just get bronzer all over the sink/floor/my shirt; I have to be really careful). The BB Cream is a bit too light for me (they only have light-medium and medium-dark, so I erred on the side of “pale white chick”… apparently I’m not as pale as most white chicks, probably because I bike to work and run a lot), so the bronzer is imperative to keep me from looking like the walking dead. I tried to buy some of Make’s Soft Focus Liquid Foundation, but I got the color too light and just ended up giving it to my red-headed sister. After that I swipe a bit of Make’s Satin Finish Blush in Geisha onto the apples of my cheeks, and then some of Make’s Soft Focus Translucent Powder to tie the whole mess together.

On my eyes I use Make Glitter Shadow in Alabaster, then put either Santa Fe or Purple Sage in the crease. Then I line with their Gel Pencil in brown black, and apply L’Oreal Voluminous Butterfly Mascara in black (waterproof by accident). I have pretty long eyelashes, so I’m always on the hunt for the best volumizing mascara.

I do love Make’s lipsticks, and have recently been using their Velvet Noise. It’s a purple color and I get so many compliments on it. It looks great on everyone and makes me feel like I’m walking straight out of the 1990s into the present day. It makes me consider wearing baby doll dresses with combat boots again.

DIET AND FITNESS

Like most girls my age, I’m pretty sure I’m going to lose all value to society the minute I turn whatever age marks my next birthday, mostly because my metabolism is only going to get worse and I’m just going to get fatter and fatter as I age, and my ovaries are going to dry out and I’ll never have any value once that’s done. So I obsess over my diet but don’t really do much about it.

For exercise I try to bike to work 3-4 days a week, except not in the extreme cold or wind, which is kind of a bummer in January/February. I run at least twice a week, usually about 2-3 miles, and I try to walk my dog when I have time. Dodgeball is a hell of a workout. Kickball is not.

When I do bike to work, I feel like I can eat whatever the hell I want. I keep some kind of dark chocolate in my desk drawer at work, as well as a bag of almonds to snack on. I try to keep a stock of lunch materials in the fridge at work and eat a sandwich on whole wheat bread with plenty of arugula at lunch, but I’m starting to think maybe I’m a little gluten sensitive. I try to eat an apple or some other portable fruit every day, but I tend to forget it in the fruit bowl on my table at home. I feel really good about myself if I can manage to avoid buying my lunch out somewhere, both for caloric intake and money output, but sometimes I just have to hop across the street for a Twisters Burrito (which I typically regret three hours later). I eat yogurt for breakfast if I remember. Sometimes the really chatty recruiter indiscriminately hands out breakfast burritos, and who can say no to that?

I try to limit my alcohol intake, and I’ve gotten a lot better at that in the past year or so. My roommate and I drink wine, though. A lot. We are also huge coffee snobs, and my dad buys me lots of coffee from a local roaster. Which is awesome. I refuse to drink anything less than half-n-half in my coffee.

I used to get a box of veggies delivered every other week from a local CSA so I would just cook up whatever random vegetable came in the box, but I haven’t had much time to cook at home recently, so the food just started to rot in the fridge. When my new roommate moved in, she was shocked at how little food I keep in the house. I typically just buy stuff when I’m going to cook.

I’ll eat whatever anyone hands me, most of the time. I’m a hungry girl.