I Want My Old Self Back

That lively one.

Oi, you find this photograph beautiful because I chose not to capture a nearby dump of waste. Be grateful

I have experienced substantial change in my life after leaving college. From being around with dozens of friends and batchmates to now conversing with only a few beings, my mental strength has been unsteady from past few weeks. One persistent simple advice which I receive is to make new friends (if only it was that simple). I am a natural introvert and making new friends has never been easy for me. Although, I have reasonable communication skills, I still find it tremendously difficult to start a conversation which makes my friendship with someone dependent on them making the first contact. Clearly, on many instances my silence has been misunderstood as hostility.

So far, I have sustained my sanity by hitting the gym after office, hearing music all the time, working and talking to my two flatmates. I have also tried taking up new hobbies but you know, there are gaps in between which are hard to fill — the time in the bus, or when I’m eating alone, or when I’m exhausted in the office and other itsy-bitsy moments when I’m unhappily reminded of my loneliness.

If I tell my parents, they’d threateningly ask if I’m meditating these days. Oops, I’m not. You see, I know that I’ll feel incredibly better after I start meditating again and practising it is not difficult for me either but the truth is I’m not sure whether I want to feel better. Sometimes I feel that happiness is not meant for me; sometimes I feel I should remain sad and pathetic. Often I remember how lively I used to be in college (the level of which by the way you probably cannot match) which adds a whole new layer of self pity to my emotions.

Duh. On a second thought, I want my old self back. I want to be like Doctor Who. Charming and fun.

Done.

I’ll try to be and surely get back to you if I feel better.