Whining of a broken heart…

Basically my one sided love story, my proposal, my rejection, some random shit and the profound life lessons I learnt.

Firstly it’s expected of the readers to dig out lessons from the random shit that this note is littered with.

I seriously believed that roads to success were the hard ones but now that I retrospect I’ve figured that roads don’t matter. There are millions of paths which we can follow and on every one of them we’ll find success. People really miss the point that success or goal or whatever is it that you aim for is not present at the end of the road you are walking. Rather it’s by the road, hidden among a plethora of other things. Also It’s not the only one. It’s one of the many you find out about.

That’s what I do to mitigate the consequences of a calamity. I write and then derive theories and life lessons from them. It’s really simple. Write what comes to your mind and you’ll be able to look more clearly at what’s going on in there. 
See. I’ve got more.

But it’s really painful living with the knowledge that someone you love so profoundly doesn’t feel that way about you. It stings.

First you would be friends and then one of you falls for the other one. You know emotions and shit like that. Then things start getting weird. You start giving out signals or hints which according to you are obvious but the girl doesn’t have a clue about them. After about two years of suppressed feelings and living a miserable life you finally let your gut handle things for you. It’s not easy I tell you. Because when your gut takes control, a shitty part of the brain starts to work. This part is responsible for all those excuses and second thoughts that make you question your decision. 
And then after going through all this trauma there is this other thing that bothers you the most. Self consciousness. It’s a sinister entity. Always pulls you down and makes you feel bad about yourself. Most people will tell you that it’s okay to feel a little low and that your day will come eventually and all that kind of stuff. But to this point of time, I vouch on my life, my day hasn’t come yet.
Don’t judge me already. There’s more.

Now after collecting every shred of courage you go down to your love and bare out your feelings in front of her. Bang. It’s the bravest thing you’ll do in a long time. Believe me. It is.Well now your part is over. It’s time for the other one to reply. 
Firstly I would like to acknowledge the lucky guys who got positive results. It’s the best feeling in the world. Words can’t describe them. But now the mainstream people who receive the cliche i-thought-we-were-just-friends or I’ve-never-thought-about-you-in-that-way answers. It sucks. 
There are a million other responses to turn down a proposal but I don’t know about them all. After all I’ve proposed once in my futile life…

I’m not saying every girl will reject you but why is that most of us don’t even get a chance. I know it’s not a girl’s flaw. Everyone has their reasons and their story. I perfectly understand that. I don’t blame anyone. In fact I’m grateful that she told me her story.

It’s just that I’m sad.

After the heart breaking fiasco, the girl asks whether it would affect the friendship or not.

Audacity.

I mean seriously.

How are we supposed to to communicate when she talks to me in words and I look at her with feelings.

From here on things become awkward and the bond of friendship weakens. It’s natural. There is a very bleak chance in the ideal world that it remains intact. Otherwise it ends.
Is this weird. Am I talking stupid. I don’t know. I’m heartbroken…

In the meanwhile, we are advised to move on and that we’ll find a better person. Well I’m confused now. How am I supposed to do so. What is a possible way to move on from things that are etched in your heart. Also the prime reason of not moving on is that I don’t want to. Why should I. That’s my decision and I choose not to do so. But she insists and you just ignore her. All her reminders just gratify your need to look at her face and find bliss in the fact that she still remembers you.

Now when you’ve sorted some shit out, the regret part takes over. That feeling of repentance you get where you think it was your decision that sabotaged your friendship is very hard get rid of. It constantly churns up in your stomach making you feel upset.

It never goes away. You just get used to it. Like you get used to the funny feeling when you first start wearing glasses or when you get braces.

It’s never easy to think straight. You’re messed up. But the one thing you have by your side are your friends. They all feel for you. Try to cheer you up. Tell you it was the other person’s fault. Bear all your moody behaviours and always keep trying to put back the smile on your face. 
They support your decisions. Keep your secrets. Help you in any way possible. And do a million other things without letting you know of their efforts.

But you know. How can you not know. You keep quiet and throw all your tantrums at them and all you get is support in the most subtle manner possible.

The hardest part of it is being alone. You go for lonely walks. You sit alone having all kinds of stuff going on in your mind. You listen to sad music. You watch movies to distract yourself. You watch comedy to cheer yourself up. You play a game or do sports. You even force yourself to sleep. But among all these acts there are moments when all of a sudden things start flashing before you and then there is a heavy force pressing your chest from all sides. 
It’s not painful physically. It hurts in a different way.

It’s like making scars without wounds.

All other things are mostly okay. 
You try to keep yourself busy. You try not to think about her. But you do. It kills every time you realise that the one person you loved, didn’t love you back.

Slowly as time flies, you’ve trained your brain to think less of her. You’ve formed theories to prove that it was her fault. You’d try to dilute her memory by creating many more. But you still love her as ferociously as you did when you confessed to her. You would still take her in an instant if she would be willing. You’d still lay down your life for her in the blink of an eye. It would be so simple.

But it’s plain you won’t get a second chance. You’ll realise providence is never on your side. Life will be different. You’ll be happy for sure. But you’ll always remember that you could have been happier.