Of love and other drugs
“You know what the problem is?”, through cloudy eyes she stared at me, a subtle grin dripping down the edge of her lips. She continued, “The problem is I like this nervous flush. It cleanses me.” She tipped off the last butt of smoke and slumped against the wall. “I was a cool person back then, you know? Used to drive men wild! And now, look at what I have become! Such a disappointment.“ She traced the marks on her sweet chin. “I was in the prime of my youth. Theatre, politics, business.” Her eyes sparkled, a rare event. “ Oh! I had an opinion on everything…Wuthering heights was my favourite. I guess it still is”, she gazed at the floor intently.
“ I always looked for things to do. I used to enjoy being in the present but I always thought of the future too. And then, life I discovered, is overrated. You just have to live it really. I might write a book on this someday", she shrugged.
"I still remember my first time. For the cocky person I was, it didn’t even excite me much. But it sure did make me cockier. Sometimes, I had dreams. Dreams of a girl with neatly pressed clothes wearing a strange innocence and hanging around the church. And that was it. When I opened my eyes, my fingers were bigger, tasteless and pale. I felt ugly.”
“My sister and I. We are products of a bad marriage. Marriage! That’s another thing. “
“Don’t look at me like that. I’ve experienced love too. I’ve known how it feels to wake up next to him. So fierce, yet so tender. It all seems to me like a distant memory though. The problem is I find people boring. Hey! They are nice and all. But you know, boring. So I found exciting ways. It was silly at first, but only until it made me feel strong",with that she raised herself up, walked past me and poured herself a glass of water.
"You want some"?, she asked, signalling at the glass. " Yes, please!", I nodded. As I drank the water up, I couldn’t help but think of how hard I had fallen for the scent of this woman.
“Guys think I am easy", she went on. "When I think of it, I have only myself to blame. Let me tell you a secret about me, I think I like being intensely associated with one person. I like loving and being loved back. I mean, who doesn’t”, she tittered.
“People throw labels in the air all the time. Everything needs a name, otherwise insecurity creeps in. People need order. But little do they know that it’s chaos that maintains stability. Oh! The irony. The irresistible irony! These things. Love and drugs have killed me. All I want to do now is curl into my bed and wait for a hug from my mother", a sense of helplessness invaded her eyes.
“Will you listen to me? You are so beautiful and I feel I am holding you hostage in the name of a relationship. Trust me on this, you don’t want me. I can be selfish but I’m trying to do the right thing this time. Help me", she asked. "You probably feel I don’t think much about us, don’t you? That’s okay! I would only be surprised if you felt otherwise. I’ve never let people know I think."
" See I think I can be very fond of you, but I don’t know if I can love… “, she jittered.
“ I love you! “ I leaned in to kiss her imperfections and she smilingly returned it to me.