The Things They Don’t Tell You About Being An Extrovert.



So basically, I’ve written this article 5 times already in my head, I’ve processed it through machines of ‘should you really make it so personal’ or take a more detached approach in your writing?

Answer? You’ll know when you read it.

Context: No opinion of mine is an absolute truth, so use your brain.

Initially on the Adam’s Tree of Society, there were just two apples: extroverts and introverts. Modern society turned the apples to triplets and now there’s one called ‘ambiverts’, which in my opinion is just a term for people who are kinda confused.

I mean, las las everyone has a bit of all the temperaments. I believe we’re all SanChlorMelPhleg but everyone knows what takes up the bigger part of their own Venn diagram.

Let’s go to what they say about being an extrovert.

First off, people tell you that you’re brave, that the world falls at your feet, that you’re the best thing that happened to Ekiti people after pounded yam, that all the bitcoins of social dynamics are in your akkant, you’re the Zuckeinstein of life and the world falls at your feet. Yaay. Let’s clap for you!

But what you don’t know is they’re crooning the wise words of a renowned life observing philosopher, Small Doctor, when he said ‘Won ti gba penalty wo throwing’

Simple sentence: they’ve scammed you.

You don’t automatically become brave because you’re an extrovert.

Truth is some things come easy to extroverts. We can speak up in class, make friends easily with strangers, get random boys flirting with you, get correct party jollof and souvenirs from that young lady in charge of food at a wedding reception but that’s not all there is to life.

The misconception often stems from people believing that bravery is a generic umbrella that will protect you from all kinds of rain even if it’s acidic. They think bravery is like Nigerian oil.

On a second thought. They’re probably right because it won’t save your life economy at every point.

Bravery is contextual, it is subjective and it is situational.

Story: My mum was and still is an engager amongst the many other things she does. She’d been doing it before I was born, so I basically grew up seeing mics as toys, seeing my mom facing every crowd and controlling it. Basically, I cannot remember a time when I’ve ever been scared of a crowd or of public speaking.

I’ve never had to concentrate on one person or imagine people in their pajamas to get over stage fright. But this doesn’t mean I’m brave or I’m bold. I believe bravery comes when you see fear and trump fear.

Alternate universe: I find it hard to have conversations with older people on the phone. I remember a particular old couple that would send me money periodically. I’d be grateful but I’d really dread the prospect of calling and I’d postpone the call till it was too late to have. Whenever, I do have that call, I can’t wait for it to be over.

I have found it hard to ask for money. I could ask for money on behalf of others. I could pitch sponsorship for something that wasn’t mine but for myself I sometimes develop cold feet.

Basically, 2018 was the year I discovered that I was a brave coward. It’s quite ironic but that’s what it is.

Sometimes as extroverts, we draw our strength from the crowd, we thrive in teams and are brave in situations others are scared of but can be scared in situations others see as normal or in some personal situations.

It’s kinda like how cyberbullying works. There’s a kind of bravery that facelessness or hiding behind a phone screen can give to people and they become Twitter trolls or WhatsApp warriors but are Eeyore the donkey in real life.

Story: I was in my first year in Obafemi Awolowo University. I was in Mozambique hall, Block L on campus and I was sleeping one afternoon when I started hearing shouts. I came out to see all the girls on my block outside and kawo lori-ing

My block, had ten rooms with at least 12 to 18 girls in each room.

What happened? Someone was cooking rice inside a room and she wanted to change gas burners because the one she was using was too fast. After removing the burner of the other gas, it started leaking seriously.

It leaked so bad it looked like a mini geyser(okay that’s big English). It looked like gas flaring . You could see the gas spurting upwards like a burst pipeline and these gas cylinders were right beside each other. It was just a matter of seconds before the fire will kiss the furiously escaping gas and then kasala will burst. No one wanted to go near it because it could kukuma explode.

I went to check it out, entered the deserted room and flung out the leaking gas cylinder. The applause that followed made me feel like Superman. No jokes.

You’d probably term that as bravery, but it really wasn’t. I didn’t stop to think. I just saw a potential disaster and went in. Maybe if I’d thought about it that;

‘Kini yi le gbina o. Babe, you fit burn.. You don’t have big bress and big bumbum, if fire destroy your fine face now, maybe boys will be carrying x-ray machine to see your inner beauty. Iya Dahunsi wee ask you who sent you work'

maybe I wouldn’t have entered that room. Maybe.

So yes, you can be an extrovert with anxiety or an extroverted coward.

You can check out this TED Talk by Jordan Raskopoulous : Living With High Function Anxiety, where he explains it better.

https://youtu.be/JUedQ0_EGCQ

You’d understand better the funny situations in which you could be bravely cowardly.

Now that I think of it, there was this cartoon on Cartoon Network called ‘Courage, the Cowardly Dog' that wasn’t some piece of shit.



Let’s move on to the second thing.

People assume you have a lot of friends.

I won’t even go into the existential problem of defining who a friend is; a problem no other people on earth except Nigerians have.

That’s when they start asking ‘what do you mean by friends?' and you find out what most people have are acquaintances and there’s another category created again by Nigerians, termed as, ‘We just say good afternoon- good afternoon. That’s all' Sighs.

As extroverts, we’re usually popular, have a lot of ‘friends’ or better still ‘people that know us and we’re on good terms with’, but we might not necessarily have best friends or a tight circle of friends.

We are sometimes the ‘loners with a 100 best friends'

Many extroverts I’ve met are floaters. Floaters are people who do not have a permanent clique per time. We can be seen in a good friendship or walking together with someone or a group of people for a short while or a long period like a year or two but most of us don’t have closely knit friendships(that we talk everyday or that have lasted over 10 years)

We have childhood friends. Friends from secondary school that we check each others WhatsApp statuses and all that but we usually don’t have that ring that quite a number of introverts have.

I remember one time in secondary school that I read an article in the newspaper. A successful woman was interviewed and they asked her about her growing up years.

She said something I could relate with back then.

She said she didn’t have so many friends. She was that one person that if two friends are fighting, the other could easily pair up with her to fill in space. She was the one that filled the space if a member of a clique was sick or changed school.

One tweet I read puts it like this ‘Have you ever been the person that walks behind the friends when the sidewalk can only contain two at a time?’

It’s sometimes like being a disposable third wheel.

If you’re that person who has a lot of contacts and one day when you’re lonely and you need to tell someone something really personal, you struggle to find that one person you can really talk to. Everyone you can think of has one level of detachment or the other, you’re a floater or well, maybe you’re just a lonely idiot sha.





Thirdly, people many times will believe that introverts are smarter than you. In Nigerian speak it sounds like this ‘Na only mouth e get abeg'

While this might not be untrue in some cases, it isn’t often true.

The belief is seeping into social circles, that the quiet person who has not contributed to the discussion most likely has something really smart to say. Scam.

I once had an introverted friend tell me that she finds it annoying when people try to pick her brain because she’s quiet. She said' I’m actually being quiet because I have nothing to say'



In addition, in an argument, people will often believe you’re wrong. There’s this new belief that the calm person is usually right. In Nollywood movie speak, ‘Na the person wey cry pass, kill am’

That’s one of the biggest BS I’ve ever heard.

Someone can be calmly ignornat and stupid while I can be aggressively pissed off that you don’t know the truth and try to prove it to you.

So what’s the tweet: ‘That you’re calm and I’m shouting doesn’t mean you’re right and I am wrong.



So, with all I’ve said, what do you do now?

Honestly? Drink kunu.

Just kidding, here are some things that have helped me and might help you.

1. You actually have to find out what your fears are. What’s the cowardly to your brave? There’s a level of clarity that comes with identifying what the problem is. I do a lot of introspection (in your face introverts!), and often times I can trace certain behaviors or fears to something I grew up with or have experienced over time.

One way to deal with what you’re scared of is to start small. It probably sounds cliché but it isn’t.

There’s this thing people say ‘If your dreams or your plans don’t scare you, they’re not good enough'

I’d have said its bullshit but its better to say, its not always true.

Plan a small event, try and enter one small leadership position, try and enter one 10k competition. When you win in those situations. It gives you a mental boost.

You know one thing I’m always grateful for, is small wins. Without small wins ehn most of us would be depressed, anxious idiots. You actually need something once in a while to remind you that you’re not stupid. That someone other than you sees the light in you. Do something that you can foresee its end(if you’re scared), then go for the big jump.



2. About friends.

It’s my personal opinion that some of us were not created( or we were not brought in a way to have or maintain those tightly knit friendship circles), but we need friends so what do we do?

I leverage a lot on my acquaintances. I leverage a lot on strangers. There are stories about me that one stranger somewhere in Nigeria that I might never meet again till I die, knows about me that my closest friends don’t know.

Then family. Family sometimes is a thing of luck. One of my best supporters is my brother.

Advice though: don’t get lost in trying to find the friend that will complete you. Enjoy your own company but ka ma paro, ka ma jale, you need friends or someone that has your back. It makes some things easier and faster.

3. Don’t wish to be an introvert because it seems like the new cool. Leverage the hell out of who you are, out of those qualities that stand you out. Chances are,the introverts you want to be like, also want to be like you.

4. Realise and accept the fact that you can be an extrovert and struggle with your mental health. You can have anxiety disorders and so many other things. But guess what there’s help. There’s Mentally Aware(MANI) and there are books to help you out. Mark Manson’s ‘Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck' and ‘Everything is Fucked’ works like a charm.

Kevin Hart’s, ‘I Can’t Make This Up' is a good read too. I can’t explain why, but it was helpful for me. The book would help you not feel alone in your inadequacies, if you love KH that is.

What else have I not said? I dunno but owo ti n ro mi. There were just too many thoughts that came to my mind when writing this.

This article is rather long, so if you got to the end, thanks for reading.

Bye.