I Don’t Know Shit

Souls that I know like to describe me as smart. It’s been a common word used to describe me since I can remember. But whole time, there’s not too much stirring around on my top shelf.

Matter of fact, it’s dusty as hell up there. I keep the KJV up there along with a photo of Bob Marley and my mommom. That’s about it.

I feel like I don’t know shit. And now that I’m 27 years old with nothing (with the exception of love and happiness) to show for my time here on this planet, I really feel like I don’t know shit. Maybe it’s the upcoming Saturn return fucking with me, but bruh I’m over here struggling.

I noticed recently, I don’t learn how used to. When I was younger I was able to learn visually, aurally, and kinesthetically. But now, I only learn kinesthetically. I have to do and fail, and go back and fix my mistakes.

One part of me is grateful for the opportunity to learn something new, but there’s a greater part that walks away from the experience with a bruised ego. It’s paralyzing because I desire to know (just about) everything but my resources are extremely limited.

I dropped out of college for this very reason. I can’t even begin to tell you what I “learned” from my three-ish year stint in higher learning. Somewhere in between high school and sophomore undergrad my way of learning aurally and visually faded away. Along with little motivation to even participate I just let it unconsciously fizzle out.

So here I am, five years later trying to put the pieces together and figure how I can get my brain working again. I’m willing to put myself through very various experiments to get there (more on this later). And without a doubt, I know I’ll get back on the saddle. But how long will it take? Whatever. I don’t really care. Shout out to the internet.

However, I’ve also noticed recently that I desire to learn everything. I’m not exaggerating when I say that I literally want to know at least a little bit of something about everything. I’m a generalist in a world where it’s the cool thing to do to find and settle into your niche. I want to know about everything. Do I desire to be an expert in everything? Not necessarily anymore.

I’ve come to terms that I most likely won’t be knowledgeable in everything. So, I’m honing down on the things that matter. I’m specializing in the areas that interest me most.

And that brings me to even writing about my not knowing shit. I desire to know about writing so that’s what I’ll do. Of course, writing is not a new experience I love so I want to know what I need to know about it. And the only way for me to find out about it is to do it.

With that, I’ll probably be writing about any and everything under the sun. Take it all with a grain of salt, though. I have no idea what I’m talking about.

Thanks for reading!