Things I couldn’t tell him
As i walk away from the corner of his street, hiding my face under the covers of guilt and remorse, I am pestered with a million thoughts of things I could have said to him, emotions he isn’t aware of. Meandering across the dingy streets of a lost land, I suffocate as I ruminate on my past, him, and the forbidden beginning, and I am forced to travel back to a time when everything fell in place.
Right across the corner of that bench, I watched him everyday, making funny faces, pumping up to gain their attention. The hazel of his eyes, the glistening brown of his freckles, it scintillates hope, it heals. I had a crush on him, he reminded me of somebody and now everything reminds me of him.
When he walks, with a tilt towards the right, carefree yet rigid, valiantly sensitive, he knows how to hide his insecurities, he covers it with pride, with an ego too eminent to even smile.
His lips were lustier than gold and touch smoother than glenlivet which by the way could make his day. He didn’t know how much i loved him for he didn’t know i cared. He fell in love with a stranger he thought wouldn’t last for long but sooner she was everything he couldn’t live without. Being the man he was, He forced her to leave in every possible way, but she wouldn’t give up, she was too much in love. She moved as he pulled the strings, and bled as he slit her slowly and gently until she realised how agonising it was to please the one who could never be tamed. He wanted her beyond words but couldn’t trust her love and she died everyday trying to prove her worth. Lastly he propelled her into the abyss from where she recovered only to begin a new life. She believed it was settled until he returned, realising how stupid it was to relinquish the 4 years. But now she had drifted too far and lost herself, no longer to be found by anybody else but herself. (just a gist of my side of the story.)
I loved everything about you, your curly hair, your broken nose. I loved how you broke your ankle and lied about the reason. I miss the way you would rest your head on my chest and let go of all your fears, like i would imbibe them all and fix you. The way you would hold my hand and steal me away from the crowd, take me to places I’ve never discovered and kiss me unexpectedly. Sometimes, I hold the drags a little longer to let the smoke linger over my body and fill my atmosphere with you. It reminds me of those moments of complete physical intimacy, of being tangled under the sheets of inseparableness while you smoked your cigars and I observed, trying to mimic your ways of living, trying to be a little more like you, every second.
I embraced your glossy forehead and the way light shines through your eyes. The softness of your voice, how everything rhymed when you wanted to scold me, the relief of those tears rolling down your cheeks and the times you said you loved me, it soothed me and I cant explain how. I yearn for those drunken calls and the confessions of eternity, and how the next day would be full of apologies and futile promises.
I loved the way you held me, isolating me from the hurting and within the confines of these imperfections you found a home. I miss the way you kissed the frown lines of late home comings and unattended vows. How you would nestle your head on my shoulder and dig your face into the depths of my warmth after a long Friday knowing it would all be better tomorrow. and You never complained about my high pitched whining or the way i messed up your hair. I miss those eyes, the way the lit up on every smile. I long for the smoke of your skin, of the sheets you ashed your cigarettes on, of the life I’ve left behind.
I crave the warmth of your hand intertwined in mine at 2 o’clock in the morning and every night, I wish for you to be happy, to find a person who would understand you the way I did if not more and help you forget about me.
And when 10 years down the lane while flipping through your memories you come across a picture of mine, I hope you hold it close to your heart, close your eyes and feel the love that I tried to give you for so long.
As I stand here alone, under the banyan tree engraved with our memories of those long summer days, I break down as I watch you walk away from me. sitting here, all by myself, I try to picture you across the corner of the street walking towards me with a slight bend on the right, a smile no frown can ignore, a face worth a thousand dime.
I realise how far we’ve come and how irreparable we’ve become but somehow you still fail to understand me and the conditions that have chained and transformed me into an indifferent person. These silences and the unattended texts voice a thousand regrets and disappointment and I accept the empty spaces for I know you’ll misjudge me for the truth you are unaware of.
Although, our love paralleled more war zones than romantic tales but it meant everything to me. And every night, when it comes down to the last person I want to hear before dreaming of a perfect fairytale, its you, be it an offensive comment or those three forbidden words, it’ll always be you.
