America discovers that he’s a hyperpower. It is terrifying.

America looked pensive, sitting there in his office chair, chewing his bottom lip, brow scrunched.

“Japan,” he said finally, “I realized something.”

Little red flags sprung up all around the room. There was something about his voice; it was low and foreboding and it sounded like a predator right before the strike.

“What’s that?” she asked.

He smacked the top of his desk. She jumped. “I’m high! The highest I’ve ever been.”

“America, you promised you’d stop the meth. You promised.”

“No, Japan, no. I’ve ascended.” His eyes widened. “No, no, I’ve… transcended.

“What are you saying?”

“There will never be a time when I’m not the most powerful person on this planet.” When he shot up, she jolted backward. “Did you just — did you feel that? When I said that, the air went electric.” He put out his trembling hands like he was groping the air.

“America, is your blood sugar low again?”

“This power… It’s surging through me. Surging, intense, it’s engorging me.”

“I don’t think you know what you’re saying.”

He staggered backward, then put a hand on the desk to steady himself and grabbed his tit, like he had a pain in his chest. “Everything I ever was and hoped to be during the Cold War… I spent over sixty years chasing ultimate power, but it’s.. it’s been right here. Right here the whole time!”

He laughed, sort of a wheezing laugh. “Nobody, nobody,” this was repeated with great forcefulness and volume, “especially not North Korea — that sniveling little pissbaby — no one comes close to challenging my power. My might.” He was starting to sweat. Profusely. “I am a hyperpower, and he’s a — ”

“Don’t say something stupid like diaper-power.”

“I wasn’t going to say that!” He was. “I was going to say insignificant. Insignificant,” he said again, that time with dramatic enunciation. “And if he doesn’t de-escalate right fucking now, so help me, God. So help me, God! Who is — who is he to threaten me? Who is he to test me? I’ve had enough! He’s gonna shape up, or I will show him fire and fury, the likes of which the world has never seen before.”

“What does that mean? America?”

“It means: Don’t. Test. This. Beast. North Korea.” Instead of pausing between words, he slammed a fist down on top of his desk. “I will win this war — of words, of ideals, of nuclear might — with zeal and focus and violent hatred.” He moved around to the front of his desk and grabbed Japan’s shoulders, staring down deep into her eyes. She could count the red lines, she could glimpse the madness. “Don’t you get it? I’m untouchable. No one can challenge me.”

His breathing quickened, his chest heaved. “I have nebulae raging inside of me. Planets swirling, stars exploding, black holes consuming alien civilizations in a blink. I am… ethereal, omnipotent, immortal. I’m running at the world with my cock out, running, running, and now I’m a cheetah. No, I’m a chimera! The rams knows the secrets of the life and death, the dragon destroys universes, and the snake is going to fuck the entire world — !”

She slapped him — slapped him harder than she’d ever slapped anyone before.

After the sound stopped ringing in their ears, America popped his jaw back into place. He looked up at her with wide, misty eyes, and squeaked, “Dude, what the fuck?”


This was a request from my good friend. If you made it all the way to the end, Lauren, thank you! I had a lot of fun writing it.

Gorka said on Fox & Friends that the US was a superpower, but is now a “hyperpower,” as if there needed to be a distinction. Read about it here.

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