Reflections Upon Hogmanay
Lang may yer lum reek!
May you never be without fuel for your fire!
Endings and beginnings… this human need to examine ourselves and our past in hopes of discovering an obscure and thus far unexposed need or fault which will illuminate our path to a content and happy future; our propensity to assign heightened expectations to said future, often letting ourselves down in the process and leading to more discontent… it’s a vicious cycle yet one we repeat at least once a year and often more.
My year has been a stain away washer cycle: extended and often self-administered agitation going backwards and forwards and spinning, spinning, spinning. In my attempt to cleanse and improve, I re-soiled and fell backwards, re-earning my ‘loose cannon’ moniker and cementing my mercurial reputation. I’m a highly intelligent, artistic, attractive fuck up. I’ve begun to concede this, to stop fighting myself and my square peg.
It’s only taken 52 years for me to realize “real” jobs don’t work for me or I for them. Although not an issue of work ethic or desire, my inability to maintain enthusiasm with sameness lessens the quality with which I approach repeated tasks and lets down the suits once thrilled with my gusto. I have to create new art, regardless of media, and educate my hungry, hungry hippo mind. I require allotted alone time yet need uproarious social interaction. I am an enigma, a polysemous anagram. And I think I have a lot of company.
So rather than pledging, hoping, striving once again to become a less emotional, more efficient, highly productive ideal I’ve imagined for myself, I’m going to attempt to forgive myself my trespasses and work within my individual prison bars; and, in doing so, remove them. I’m going to stop endeavoring to figure out what’s wrong with Lauren and instead perform the amazing feats that only Lauren can achieve.
I will no longer rein myself in. I will not apologize for who I am. I will live my life as only I can live it. My house will still be messy and my laundry unwashed. I will still need to lose another ten pounds and exercise more. I will still curse and drink. But I will also create and love.
I will be Lauren. Please be who you are as well.