Mastering The Art of Conversation
How to engage in a two-way conversation.
I probably should refrain from writing things when I’m angry because I have a particularly sharp tongue, and even though I am quite proud of it, it often leaves me feeling guilty or embarrassed for being unkind.
But since this is the one form of speech where I have entirely free rein to express, maybe I will go mad with power a bit.
When you are engaging in conversation with only yourself in the presence of someone else, you are, what I like to call, a masturbatory conversationalist.
You are basically stroking your own genitals in the presence of someone else and calling it sex. Though sometimes, that literal physical act can be fun to explore — if both parties agree to it — without consent, however, this type of conversation is essentially verbal assault.
In order to ensure you are having a two-way conversation with someone, there are a few clues to look for. Actually just one clue is necessary and that being you hear the sound of two voices and both exist outside of your head.
If you’re afraid you might be failing at the art of conversation or want to send this article to someone passive-aggressively, let’s talk about what is required in order to have a two-way conversation with someone.
1. Ask for Someone’s Time
Refrain with all your might to walk up to someone and projectile words all over them.
I know it can feel satisfying to use another human being as a board to bounce back the sound of your voice, but please, before you engage in this act consider asking for permission.
As an unsuspecting innocent bystander going on about my life, I feel attacked as I did not schedule into my day a 25 minute monologue that exhausts a lot of my energy trying to escape.
If you find yourself in serious need to express yourself, I encourage you to simply make this known in advance and ask for the adequate amount of time it will take to do so.
2. Stop Talking
Just stop talking.
Not forever… not for a long time… just once in a while, let your thought or sentiment come to a close and give the other person a chance to respond, give feedback, shine some light in what you’ve shared or maybe even share their own experience.
This way, when you stop talking, and the other person has a chance to also speak, you are engaging in a two-way conversation or just “conversation” for short.
3. Ask questions
Just a quick lesson in human psychology.
If you want someone to care about your shit, care about their shit. It’s super simple. You don’t even have to really care, even though it does require less energy to pretend and it does feel rewarding to authentically engage in back-and-forth sentimentality with someone.
So, in order to not make it feel like you are keeping someone hostage, do give the illusion that they are a part of the conversation by asking questions about their life, thoughts, ideas.
4. Listen
Listening is implied as a part of Step 3, but so is not performing a monologue in conversation with someone, so maybe we need to explore this a bit further. Come to think of it, the lack of understanding “listening” might actually even be the core of the problem for a masturbatory conversationalist.
Seeing as listening comes inherently to me, as a socially awkward immigrant youth of questionable gender with a great capacity for empathy, I will break down listening for you.
An expert listener is simultaneously halting the output of ideas and absorbing the input of ideas whilst remaining judgement-free and bias-free from one’s own experiences. The listener, as the kids call it, holds space for the output of ideas. The listener does not make it about them nor do they construct a response whilst listening is in session. The listener simply creates the space for ideas to exist with absolutely no agenda.
This is tough to do, I admit.
You will constantly fail at this because you are human and as humans we are born selfish. Example: babies. So don’t beat yourself up for it if you can’t get it right away.
Truth be told, you need not be an expert listener to have a two-way conversation. You simply need to stop talking while someone else is talking. This act often passes off as listening.
5. Respond or Resume Talking
Once the other person has completed sharing their thought, you can resume talking again. Bonus points if you take into account what was said previously.
And thus, you are on your way to conversing with another human.
Coles notes:
1. If you really need to verbally throw up on someone, warn them.
2. If you want to have a conversation remember to stop talking, ask questions, listen and respond.
It really is that simple!
This is safe to try anytime!
Definitely do try this at home!
