So no one told you life was gonna be this way?

So no one told you life was gonna be this way?

*clap clap clap clap*

Sorry, force of habit. A majority of my life spent being a lifelong fan of Friends, as seen clearly in the title of my first ever blog post, almost let me get carried away. Let’s start again, shall we?

So, no one told you life was gonna be this way? Well, you’re not alone. Judging by how the world has been the last 7+ months, it looks like 7.8 billion other people have been dealt the same hand by the cruelest ever croupier in existence. But don’t worry, this is not going to be a blog about depressing stats or conspiracy theories or even life poker.

This will probably be about something way less interesting. Consider yourself warned.

Now that I have your attention, (“Haha, yeah right,” he laughs at the greatest joke ever), let’s move ahead.

The opening line of the Friends theme has never been more relevant as it is now. In just a snap, or a slurp of bat soup rather, the world changed. Nothing remained as it was, and now, we have to overthink before doing something as simple as stepping out of the confines of our own homes. Something that was second nature to humans has now been struck with a possibly permanent handicap. But the thing is, we are not alone in this situation. Like I said before, 7.8 billion people are along with us for the ride. However, dealing with this situation is something that we have to do alone, on some level in the least.

I’m pretty sure there are a hundred places where you can find the list of bad news that has graced our planet this year, but let me just do a quick recap for anyone who might have forgotten. A trip across the world will leave us with Australian wildfires, the impeachment and acquittal of the former owner of the Miss Universe brand and currently the most powerful man in the world, looming threats of World War III, Brexit, protests sparked due to racial tensions, a massive explosion in Lebanon caused by a careless decision, and this is just a drop in the ocean. Coming to our own country, and more specifically my own state of Assam, our annual flood problem continued to be ignored by the national media, until two Football clubs based in London posted about it on their social media handles. I don’t know if this made me happy or sad. Continuing the list, there was (and still is) a huge inferno burning like all hell on the Baghjan oilfield in Tinsukia, and it’s almost touching the 3 month mark. The other parts of India have also not fared well with the Vizag steel plant blast, locust swarms over Gurgaon, the Air India crash at Calicut airport, communal tensions and riots for a million reasons, earthquakes, and probably a thousand other things that I won’t list here to pile on and help depression’s cause. Also, don’t forget the small matter of the global pandemic that has had its fair share of contribution.

I guess I have now reached the “write about my feelings” part of the blog. Like many people, I have also been bombarded with a lot of “you should write a blog” suggestions over the years, but for one reason or the other (read: laziness!), I always put it off. Maybe the timing wasn’t right, maybe I was too uninspired, or whatever it might have been, but I feel that now would finally be a good time to sit down and give this a shot. Lots of people write blogs to make people aware of something, but I am probably too unimportant to do that. I decided to write whatever comes to my mind, and I would write for myself, first and foremost. There would anyway be possibly less than five people with whom I would share the link to this post, so the list of who I piss off by wasting their time won’t be long.

Quitting a corporate job on 31st December 2019, after being a prisoner within its shackles for 1.5 years, I wanted to start 2020 on a clean slate. While most of the plans made by the world went nowhere when Covid-19 reared its ugly head, I wouldn’t say that I am quite in the same boat completely. Of course, I had never set lofty resolutions for myself as starting a company this year or something of that sort, I am at least on the road to trying to achieve some of the things that I had set out to do so this year. I am absolutely not that far along by any stretch of imagination, but I will get there one day. I need to have that much of confidence in myself.

This year has not been easy for anyone, in any way. The ongoing pandemic did have something to do with it a bit, but isn’t life already a struggle for us unlucky folks not born with a diamond spoon in our mouths? The year’s goals and resolutions notwithstanding, and like everyone else, I have been bogged down by continuing waves of depression and loneliness and all such negative feelings that would fill a psychologist’s notepad, and then some. I think it was March when the first orders of social distancing and staying in lockdown were announced by the government, so it’s been almost five months that I have not been out for a continuous period. It was probably May when being stuck inside had finally started to mess with my mind. Trying to stay positive was already hard when you’re stuck inside your house while unemployed, and you can only numb your mind with enough TV series and movies and books and graphic novels and music and untried recipes, but even that gets monotonous after a while. Oh hey, there’s also this thing called alcohol which can put in a shift there, but the one good thing that has happened for me, in my opinion, is the almost nonexistent amount of alcohol intake these last few months. This was not one of my 2020 goals, but in times like these, I guess I’ll take that as a win.

I am probably the worst at calling or texting friends, and a pandemic is the worst thing that could have acted as an enabler to this habit of mine. This is most evident on the opening lines of conversation whenever one such undeservedly-unlucky friend calls me after about half a year and says, “Why do you never call?” Truth be told, I am not a fan of huge friend circles. I have really connected with some people in my life, who will be special to me throughout my existence on this earth, because I do think that I have bonded with them for life. I will, and do, make every effort to keep those ties bound because I care, and that is my default setting without an off switch. I’m in my late twenties now, and I am no stranger to the fact that you lose people in life, and it has happened to me too. However, with age comes wisdom (even as I say this while trying very hard not to laugh), and I have realized this in the last four or five years that it’s no use holding on to things that don’t want to stay. Instead of damaging your own sense of self worth and sanity, it’s sometimes better to let go of things that do more harm than good. In those same last four of five years, I have met a few people, who I feel close to and they will forever be important to me, and if I am successful in bringing a smile to their faces in any way, I will know that I have done some good in this world.

Writing (or saying) what I feel has never been my strong suit, and I am surprised that I have even gotten this far. My brain is filled with a lot of nonsense and more than just a few twisted thoughts. I’d like to say that I’m an open-minded and non-judgmental person. I’d like the concept of gender equality to be the norm, I support a school of thought rooted more on individualism and most of all, I’d happily welcome a world where people would accept other people without any kind of bias. And I do mean any and all kinds of bias. People should be free to live their lives as they so choose to do so. I know I wouldn’t be pleased if there were regulations put on the way I want to live my life. And isn’t being human about everyone being their own different person, and still be the same people? Maybe this is too “idealistic” to flow in the real world, but what do I know.

A lot of shit I think would seem like unpopular opinions. I believe in faith, but I’m not too cool with the concept of organized religion. I do not think that The Shining is the greatest horror movie of all time. I feel that Castle is one of the most underrated TV shows that I have ever seen and that more people should watch it. I have only read one Murakami book even after hearing about how good a writer he is, for almost a decade. I have still not watched Dil Chahta Hai. The Imitation Game deserved to win the Oscar the year it was nominated. Luna Lovegood and Phoebe Buffay should do a crossover. Everyone is beautiful.

Shit like that.

I am really scared of being vulnerable, and so I’ve always tried my hardest to not show any weakness. Maybe this is a sickness, or maybe this is a silent cry for help. Like I said before, I have never been one to express what’s inside me via conventional means. I’ve preferred twists and turns to straight lanes, and this has led to 28 years of pent up feelings that I don’t know how to let out. I guess this is also one reason why I started writing this blog. Speaking of vulnerability and weakness and my lifelong attempts to mask it, one thing that I have never shared with anyone ever is that I still sometimes get PTSD because of a minor two-wheeler accident that happened to me when I was a kid. It has gotten that bad that it’s prevented me from ever leaning how to ride a two-wheeler, and this is one thing that I have struggled to get over. I guess it’s on my list of things to do in 2020, like it was for 2019, 2018 and so on. Now I will keep telling myself how writing this part down makes me so lame, but maybe this was the first necessary step in overcoming this fear? I hope so. To err is human, and going by that definition, I am a whole lot of human. But these flaws are what make us, and in order to be accepting of everyone, we’ll need to accept ourselves first.

2020 has come and swept us halfway. This year has thrown up so many obstacles and situations that we never thought would happen. This is uncharted territory, and we have to map the way forward. This year, however, has also given a chance to everyone of us to stop for a moment, step back, and take a break. A much needed break. Before I quit my job as a corporate slave, I was feeling like a sheep being led to slaughter repeatedly, until I hit my breaking point. I needed, absolutely needed, a break before work pressure and stress quite literally brought about my untimely death. Yes, that may be overdramatic, but like a quote from the Shakuntala Devi biopic goes, we Indians are totally like that.

What I’m getting at here, is when the world literally stopped, it gave me a chance to reflect and think back what I have done in my life up to that moment. What has all my decisions, mistakes and choices led to? Has what I’ve done in life been worthwhile? Has the world become a better place? Needless to say, all this overthinking led to so many bouts of insomnia that I have wasted countless sleepless nights operating on existential questioner mode. But yes, we do need to have these kind of thoughts sometimes. It never hurts to question things that we don’t understand or even begin to comprehend.

So thinking back all 28 years of my existence, these last few months have been extremely important in making me realize what is important in life, and even more importantly, who are the people that I would like to have in my life. When I die, if even half of those people are sad, I guess I did something good in life. A quote from Batman Begins says, “It’s not who you are underneath, it’s what you do that defines you.” And we can always make a choice to do good, and that would be our defining characteristic.

Switching to something hopeful from all the above morbid thoughts, an almost 50 year old song’s lyrics penned by the great John Lennon strikes a cord in me, as it has done so from the time I heard it for the very first time.

Imagine all the people
Living life in peace

You may say I’m a dreamer
But I’m not the only one
I hope someday you’ll join us
And the world will be as one

I am every bit the dreamer that the above lines imply the narrator to be. I am a complicated mix of optimistic hope and pessimistic caution. I know that my idealism has no place in this cruel and practical world. But I have learned that sometimes it’s better to light a candle than to curse the dark. Times like now show what we are made of, and we can always be made of the choice to believe in old school principles like hope. And I choose that.

It started out with a reference to one of my favorite TV shows of all time, and it has taken so many wild twists and turns that I have no single word to express it with. Or maybe, “expressions” can precisely be that one word that I am looking for here. I began this blog to let out my feelings that have made my head heavy for a long time, and I really needed this catharsis. These are things that not many are aware of, and are my deepest, darkest thoughts. If I have shared this with you, and you have actually reached this point, I salute your patience and thank you with folded hands. I seriously love you for tolerating my non-narcotic induced trip. And if I have wasted your time, have a drink on me.

People struggle with endings, and I am no different. The hardest part of a book or movie is always the ending. Many things can go wrong, many threads can be left loose, and the ending will then be ruined. So, instead of overthinking and ruining the ending to my first ever post, I’ll just quote two lines from my favorite song.

Don’t stop believing
Hold on to that feeling

So no one told you life was gonna be this way?

A few days back, someone close told me to believe in myself. It was just three simple words, but it was three simple words that I had not heard in a long time. I know things are hard, but don’t worry. We’re in this together. Don’t stop believing. Hold on to that feeling. And in the end, we will come through.

Peace.