Skinny Guy’s Guide to the Gym
It’s approaching that time of year. The time when you girls start to disparagingly look in the mirror and have that mini internal freak out because you suddenly realize you’ve been pounding Nutella and beer for the past 6 months… and it’s showing.
That time of year where the sun is starting to shine, the days are getting longer, and all you melanin-free folks realize just how pale you’ve become.
It’s time to overhaul the closet. Put away the North Face jackets and scarves and break out the tank tops and… jorts?
Spring is springing, and amidst the freakish snow storms and the turbulent temperature fluctuations, I am confident that within the next few weeks we will finally be able to settle on a season, giving us just enough time to prepare for warm weather.
It’s right around this time every year when all of a sudden your local gym is swarming with 20 somethings anxious to do whatever it takes to impress the opposite sex, and it’s interesting to see how the tactics vary for guys and girls. Girls inexplicably fall in love with the treadmill or that ridiculous elliptical machine. I have a feeling I’ve said this before, but whoever told you that running or ellipticizing (shut up) at an agonizingly slow pace while reading Vanity Fair or watching Lifetime will cancel out the months of sedentary binge drinking was sorely mistaken. Please don’t buy that bikini…. for all of us.
Guys on the other hand are always trying to bulk up, and now that we have to spend time with our shirts off, impressing chicks is priority numero uno, so we all secretly aspire to be the next Jersey Shore cast member, minus the whole Snooki VD thing, (I mean she has to have something right?) and that potentially radioactive glow. All of a sudden bicep curls and crunches are en vogue, and I’m sure shake weight sales skyrocket.
But sadly there are those of us who just aren’t meant for bulk, and no matter how many N.O. Xplod shakes we mainline or how many bench press reps we do, we just won’t look like 1980s Schwarzenegger. I guess it’s worth noting that there were massive amounts of steroids involved with old Arnie, but if you’re going that far and risking impotence to impress strangers then you’ve got some other issues that I can’t even begin to touch on.
I have humbly created this guide based on personal experience for those of you living in a world like me, one relegated to lankiness. One in which we can’t beat them, or join them… so we might as well trick them. Since the gym is basically a meat head convention, we skinny guys have to get in where we fit in… or hope those dudes with biceps the size of their heads are too stupid to realize we don’t belong.
- Spacing is key — You see that enormous dude shoulder pressing twice what you bench wearing the Hulk Hogan tank top? Yeah avoid him. Go work out next to the scrawny kid struggling to lift the bar. By comparison you’ll look great.
- Seeing is believing — Use your wit to impress folks walking by. When that super cute girl is taking a break from stretching for 2 hours and heading your way move the pin on that bicep machine down to 200 lbs. and act super tired. She doesn’t have to know that 6 reps at 75 lbs. wore you out. Possession is 9/10ths of the law. Does that apply here?
- Make noise — It’s obvious to anybody who knows anything about anything that the measure of how strong someone is is how much noise they’re making. If you’re sure nobody can see the minimal weight you are actually lifting let out a shit load of insane banshee grunts and from afar people will have no choice but to be astonished by your “strength”.
- Body weight — Be able to toss your body weight around. Create a circuit of exercises that you can do a lot of reps of… then do a lot of them. Pull ups = skinny guys ace in the hole. If you’re feeling ballsy challenge some massive dude to a pullup contest. Be sure not to gloat after you win because even though he can only do 12 pull ups he can still break your ass in half.
- Maximize illusions — It doesn’t matter if you’re actually strong as long as you look like it. Use the skinniness to your advantage and randomly flex when necessary.
- Know your limits — Nothing will put an end to your charade more quickly than trying to out lift yourself. The entire facade comes crashing down when the barbell is crushing your adam’s apple and you have to make that horrifying decision of whether to call someone to help and blow your cover or suffocate. Neither seems appealing.
- Dress appropriately — Get over it. Your arms look like string beans. Ergo if you know you’re going to be at the gym at the same time as the group of guys who’s arms are the size of your quads… hold off on the sleeveless.
- Just be there — There is something to be said for just being that guy who is always in the gym. Nobody will pay close enough attention to realize that you haven’t gotten any bigger in the 4 months they’ve seen you, but instead will be taken aback by your dedication to physical fitness.
See, my borderline 2 dimensional brethren… where there’s a will there’s a way. Just make sure you strategize properly and you’ll have more chicks than your scrawny arms can hold. You’ll be faking your way to filling out that adult medium shirt in no time!
Disclaimer: Do not let this guide lull you into a false sense of security. You are not I repeat are NOT actually getting any stronger. Price Krispy is not responsible for any injuries sustained due to misplaced confidence.