You’ll Never Know How Much You Care Till You Lose Her

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December 3, 2015, just three days before my birthday, when I found out the most agonizing news I’ve ever heard.

It was that afternoon, when my cousin called me with words I couldn’t fathom. She was crying.

“WHAT HAPPENED?!” I yelled at her.

I was just recovering from emotional heartbreak. We were still moving on from humiliation and insults.

I was vulnerable.

Then she finally managed to break the news…

“Auntie is gone, your mom is gone.”

This can’t be happening. My mom is very healthy.

“This is all some kind of a prank. And this is not a good joke.”

After that call, my phone rang again. This time it’s my aunt.

She was calm and I could hear weeping from her end.

I remember praying and begging for God’s mercy.

“Lord, please don’t take her away. I promise you, I will be good and will follow whatever you want me to do. Just don’t take her yet. Please.”

I ran to my grandma’s place (my mom’s mother), and we drove that night to the hospital.

I entered the room full of people and from a distance was my father lying on the hospital bed almost losing his leg.

He was suffering. Believe it or not, I couldn’t cry. I was in full shock.

I couldn’t embrace him, I was terrified of what’s happening.

“It’s okay, I’m here.”

While stroking his hair, I tried to comfort him. I didn’t know what else to say. But I thought I have to act strong.

“Go to your mother.”

From his hurting soft voice, he uttered that.

Together with some relatives, we left to see my mom.

It was my first time to enter a morgue and seeing her lying there, fresh from the accident, I stubbornly said to everyone,

“God will do a miracle. She’s not gone yet.”

That night we stayed in the hospital. It was a whole hours of contemplating and trying to sink in the tragedy that my family is facing, again.

The next morning we visited my mother.

When they examined her, she was stiff and cold.

“Mamang…”

It felt like I was being stabbed repeatedly. It’s unbearable. It’s unacceptable.

I cried. She’s gone. My mother left the building.

Honestly, even if how much we try to pacify ourselves with anything, the pain will always remain. When I lost her, I realized that no time and space could ever heal the pain of losing someone you dearly love.

And you will never know this feeling till you get to this.

Moving on stage.

I wish I gave her more of my attention. I must’ve spent more time with her. I should’ve said that I love her.

You will never see the immense beauty of someone till you no longer have her/him.

I have never seen how wonderful my mother’s life was till I lost her.

We had so many plans. She had high dreams for us, as a family. She worked really hard. She had her sleepless nights finding ways to support us.

The night before their accident, she called me and said they can’t come for my birthday because they’ll be busy setting up their new venture.

And I’m sure that it was for me, for my studies.

That was the last time that I heard her voice. She was laughing and being silly. For a long time, I haven’t heard her like this.

Today is her 2nd year anniversary. Three days later, it will be 2 years of celebrating my birthday without her.

I just miss her. I miss my funny, extra hardworking, and beautiful mom.

Dear friends,

This is a call for ya’ll. I didn’t let you peer into my life just for kicks. I wrote this for you, not only for me.

Whenever I find someone who still has parents, I would always say,

You are so blessed.

My youngest brother lost our mom at 13. And he had to live with our relatives. It’s hard to let him adapt to the new environment but we got no other choice.

After the burial, we were divided. I and my elder sister continued our studies separately away from home, my two younger brothers lived with our relatives for high school, and my dad, being a minister, lived in the Bible School.

It’s really hard and I could say that it’s only by His grace that we are still loving each other despite everything that we have and will ever have to go through.

Now, back to you.

Love your parents more. No, not just love them. Show them. Spend quality time with them.

Even the most loving child has once said, “I could’ve done more for my mom.”

Nothing will be enough. But you need to realize this before it’s too late.

You think it’s weird to be sweet to them? I thought of that, too. But now, I have always dreamed of hugging and telling her how much she means to me.

We never know when life will stop beating for us. In just a blink of an eye, we might lose someone, or lose ourselves.

No, I’m not scaring you.

I’m here to tell you that we all need to value our time especially with our parents. Don’t miss the chance of understanding their shortcomings. If you don’t do this now, it might be too late.

Most of all, we have to stay strong.

Have you lost someone recently?

You are not alone.

Just take one step at a time.

Happy 2nd year anniversary in Heaven, mamang. We miss you, so much. — Negra
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