A Future.
[Started two weeks ago]
A friend put to me … stop talking about what was, what did you want? What was the future you saw with her? What was going to happen…?
It was a very powerful thought. One that has been ruminating ever since. I’m still writing on the past, the present desires but in quiet moments, while reading or out on the road, my mind has drifted toward what is… what is the future I wanted? That, if I were to dare to be vulnerable, I still want.
It’s been hazy.
Not because I can’t think of specifics. But… rather.
Imagine trying to take in a huge portrait from mere inches away. I don’t feel comfortable predicting where I should be, where we should be. I feel clear on certain details, on small pieces of the puzzle — those pieces seem sharp. I know those pieces clearly.
As I kept trying to fill in the blanks I kept running into a wall… Well, it could be like that but that also seems so limiting, she might really hate that, she might really love that… she might… I might hate that…. Oh, I wouldn’t be able to … and what if we were to have a chance to… ??!
Then it clicked a few days ago.
The future I want is the the life I was starting to live with her. We spent entirely too much time together and entirely too little time together. We had a balance. We were passionate in our pursuits and in each other.
Working on creative projects together was a perfect chance to be with her. She helped me grow, to understand deeper and in ways I had not imagined. I helped her, guiding her to interesting choices, and perhaps most importantly, reminding her of her own ability — reminding her that she should feel confident because she is talented.
She was beautiful in her work.
We had so much fun together.
Whether it was grabbing lunch at Chipotle, catching a movie, or making love. Sitting on a bench silently, just together. She’d put her head in my lap and I’d try and shield her from the wind and any other danger.
I would change my plans on a whim for her; she did the same… but here’s the part I liked — we both put each other first in a way that showed we understood what the other person valued. We weren’t so selfish as to believe we should only ever spend time with the other.
I loved waking up with her. Even my fights with her were undoubtedly the best I ever had. Not in the moment. But that we were able to talk about feelings, talk in truths and not have to dance around the truth.
How many women have I been with who have lied about being hurt over something trivial, then blowing it out of proportion to justify their own anger? The absurdity of it… and yes, she’d get mad — but the one time she stormed out on a late night dinner with me it was because I was genuinely being an asshole.
It took me days to realize it. The full extent… I was avoiding a truly difficult question by using my phone. It makes me cringe now — and no, she didn’t “storm” out. She looked at me and told me she was walking home (we were close), and then up and left.
I had to pay before I left.
I was so angry at her for doing that… but in hindsight, why should she have to sit at a dinner with someone being so disrespectful?
But I’d rather that than the resentment. The hostility later. The lies. I hate the lies about how, “everything is okay.”
Maybe there was a better way but I’d rather that action than those things.
I didn’t pick her up… but I did wait outside her house for her to get home. And we spoke, and she was mad, and I apologized for the proximate offense… only later realizing the depth of it.
That’s the future.
One full of honesty. One full of adventures with each other. One full of respect and…
my realization was that I had found the future I wanted, I was already living it.
Maybe I’d be working some dumb job to help support us. Maybe she would. But that’d be temporary. Our goal, to create, individually and together. To explore and share. To touch the universe. To be touched by it.
And yes, to make beautiful babies (oh my god, our babies would be beautiful. I mean, seriously, no doubt… they’d be just adorable, little blonde beauties. Just perfect.), and visiting other countries, camping or beach days. Visiting crazy family and secreting away to laugh about ridiculous opinions.
Being able to smile at her across the room and know…
Being at a party and having people pick-up on how we’re together even though we spent most of the night apart.
This is just a part of the future.
For me… the harder part, the part that I really should define — even if it’s just a stupid dream of a life I’ll never get to have with this girl — is what I’d be doing. How I’d be living my life.
I mean, being with someone — in the way that I’d want to be with someone — means sharing dreams, it means not just birthing children but birthing a new dream of what our life should be.
Okay, disclaimers aside….
What did I see for us?
I did see love, adventures, babies, and her eyes… and no, not at the same time. We could ease into that stuff. I mean, we probably should but… also, can you imagine how great our kids would be? Like, isn’t it a little criminal not to get started on that right away? I mean, not right away but maybe, shortly. (While we were still together and friend confronted me with this point, that I did want children… and it surprised me how right she was).
Education is important — I love learning. It doesn’t have to be in a school but some stuff is easier there. I really would like a better handle on statistics, economics, maybe some physics, and I hear calc is all the rage.
But mostly I like seeing stories told well. When I’m not telling my own, I like helping others tell theirs.
I love acting — when I’m not petrified — which has been a lot lately. I’ve been struggling hard with this last character and it still feels shaky. I know it can be better but I seem to hit a wall with the people I’m with — if they know how it can be better they aren’t telling me or telling me in a way that I’d actually understand.
I meet the most interesting people, such a variety. It helps me thrive. From über christians to lonesome musicians to drug addicts to all sorts of hurt or frustrated or loving or simply fun.
For so long I have been afraid I can’t do it and now I feel sure I can. Not perfect, not always, but so much better than I once was. With much greater depth…
[May 5…] A lot has happened since I started this post but I wanted to come back here to talk about, well, the future.
Creating with her was inspiring. Maybe that’s wrong but her vision was unique and complimented my own. There are people who do what you want, there are people who fight against what you want, and there are people who build upon what you want.
She was a builder, she owned her creative work and ran with it.
I wanted to keep doing that. In fact, one thing I had thought about when we were still together was shooting her…. with cameras. She is so interesting to watch, putting her on film (or…. uh… image sensor?), would only be natural. She would add to anything.
God I wanted to do something cool with her — a regret that she refuses to be friends is that I would never be able to recruit her for projects. She’s so damn good. So good. To lose that… I almost wish I could travel back in time to undo our relationship just so I could create with her.
I prefer being with her but if that’s impossible, having her skill, talent and vision would be a welcome addition to my friend group.
I wish that was still our future.
Creating stories, exploring worlds, exploring people and supporting each other.
I was on the phone today with a good friend — we were talking about the complexities of Psychology, academia, the genetic predisposition of certain personality traits, their link to certain diseases, and the failures of certain areas of science — like you do — and she reminded me why I love her so dearly.
I stopped her as she was explaining how women in feminism sometimes gets it wrong by trying to emulate men and ignore the marked difference between the sexes. I requested that she please find more people like her so I have a chance of being with someone on my level.
She responded instinctively, “There isn’t…”
And I agreed. Arrogant? Perhaps… There are different perceptions in the world and I would never want to lose the diversity of ideas and thoughts but, personally, waking up to Her, to the girl who has prompted all of this self-reflection, all this pain, all this desire, this unabashed desire — she had this deeper understanding.
She was on my level, and unlike my dear friend, liked me and was even more in touch with Her humanity. That connection sparks the chills in my spine like nothing else, She did that. That future would have been my idea of time well spent.
And time is our most precious commodity, the non-renewable resource that we can never reclaim, my time was Hers. Without a doubt.
The dream of that future with her is something I don’t want to give up. Something I can’t till I see it’s gone from her eyes.
Our future was a best future.
I hope for us both that there are other best futures. She and I both deserve them — not rich, not easy, not perfect, not even long but… with someone worth our time.
